...When I wanted him to know I was dead serious. When I - when I wanted him to know it wasn't a lie.
[ because he actually had to prove that sometimes. ]
When it was too important to risk anything but absolute belief.
[ john still has one of his hands. dave breathes out slowly and with his other stops fiddling with his shades and carefully pulls them off. when he was completely and totally honest and he'd talked about things with dirk that hurt, he'd taken off his shades. yuri had asked him to do the same, just the other month.
it's still a thing that makes him tense up, but he works through that, ignoring the usual intense discomfort from the lack of a barrier to look john dead in the eyes. his eyes are of course not hazel: they're the same vibrant red as his text down to the very hexidecimal code. one-handed he folds the shades up to hook over the collar of his shirt. ]
So. [ so. ] Shut up for a second and...don't interrupt me, okay? [ and he hesitates for a moment, casting around for the right words, before dave gives up and just says whatever comes to mind as usual, soft-voiced and emphatic. he keeps his gaze steady despite the unease. ] You aren't important because we're best friends, or because the game was fucked up, or even because of the life we lived back then. You are, but like - please don't think that you matter to me only because of back then, or that you're...less important, or - less. What I said about not bein' as strong as you were, I didn't - I didn't mean it like that, or I didn't mean you to take it that way. It's true that John Egbert has mattered to me for a pretty fuckin' long time that varies depending on which chronological sequence of events you care to look at, all overlapped in a fucked up way that makes sense to probably no one else in the world.
[ over half a year; since he was ten; since a month and change ago. ]
But you, the you who is here right now, are my best friend - are who I want as my best friend - because of who you are and what you have done. Regardless of whether or not you ever remember why that was true then as well as now, you're responsible for the now, and I don't...want you to misunderstand that. It's...true the reasons are pretty damn similar, because you're still the person who says somethin' other people do not and makes it...okay, and...
[ "you do not have to tell me what you remember. and i will not bring it up unless you want me to tell you what i remember. okay?" ]
Just being you has always constituted havin' my back in ways other people do not. Okay? You...said it was fine not to tell you things. And played the piano for me even though you were givin' it up. And made me a stupid mix tape and gave me and quite possibly twenty other people flowers. And you wanted to stay and fight with me when it was safer to not. And you agreed to write music for literally the most random project ever, and let me drag you wherever, and - [ he trails off, and shrugs. ] You don't have to do anythin' extra here, John. You already help by virtue of existing as yourself. And even if I got the count wrong when I said "one of the three most important people", you're important because you're...you. Now. So...
[ so...right... ]
...So I'm sorry for upsetting you, and for how I said it, and for - I'm sorry. I just...you are too important to me to let you get hurt by my own damn mind. I don't...I couldn't be responsible for that. I'm sorry. It...wasn't better just because I made you look away, was it. Shit.
no subject
[ because he actually had to prove that sometimes. ]
When it was too important to risk anything but absolute belief.
[ john still has one of his hands. dave breathes out slowly and with his other stops fiddling with his shades and carefully pulls them off. when he was completely and totally honest and he'd talked about things with dirk that hurt, he'd taken off his shades. yuri had asked him to do the same, just the other month.
it's still a thing that makes him tense up, but he works through that, ignoring the usual intense discomfort from the lack of a barrier to look john dead in the eyes. his eyes are of course not hazel: they're the same vibrant red as his text down to the very hexidecimal code. one-handed he folds the shades up to hook over the collar of his shirt. ]
So. [ so. ] Shut up for a second and...don't interrupt me, okay? [ and he hesitates for a moment, casting around for the right words, before dave gives up and just says whatever comes to mind as usual, soft-voiced and emphatic. he keeps his gaze steady despite the unease. ] You aren't important because we're best friends, or because the game was fucked up, or even because of the life we lived back then. You are, but like - please don't think that you matter to me only because of back then, or that you're...less important, or - less. What I said about not bein' as strong as you were, I didn't - I didn't mean it like that, or I didn't mean you to take it that way. It's true that John Egbert has mattered to me for a pretty fuckin' long time that varies depending on which chronological sequence of events you care to look at, all overlapped in a fucked up way that makes sense to probably no one else in the world.
[ over half a year; since he was ten; since a month and change ago. ]
But you, the you who is here right now, are my best friend - are who I want as my best friend - because of who you are and what you have done. Regardless of whether or not you ever remember why that was true then as well as now, you're responsible for the now, and I don't...want you to misunderstand that. It's...true the reasons are pretty damn similar, because you're still the person who says somethin' other people do not and makes it...okay, and...
[ "you do not have to tell me what you remember. and i will not bring it up unless you want me to tell you what i remember. okay?" ]
Just being you has always constituted havin' my back in ways other people do not. Okay? You...said it was fine not to tell you things. And played the piano for me even though you were givin' it up. And made me a stupid mix tape and gave me and quite possibly twenty other people flowers. And you wanted to stay and fight with me when it was safer to not. And you agreed to write music for literally the most random project ever, and let me drag you wherever, and - [ he trails off, and shrugs. ] You don't have to do anythin' extra here, John. You already help by virtue of existing as yourself. And even if I got the count wrong when I said "one of the three most important people", you're important because you're...you. Now. So...
[ so...right... ]
...So I'm sorry for upsetting you, and for how I said it, and for - I'm sorry. I just...you are too important to me to let you get hurt by my own damn mind. I don't...I couldn't be responsible for that. I'm sorry. It...wasn't better just because I made you look away, was it. Shit.