[...nothing in his expression changes, and maybe it's harder to tell with the gray eyes, but he seems resigned by that.]
Suppose that is as good as we can get for now. [He can deal with temp-ghosting. With some warning. He'll get over it, probably. It's what he'll tell himself anyway.] Uh. Let me know if you want to know things as I remember them or not? I am pretty okay with either way.
[ there's gray clouds and uncertainty, and they're visible but he ignores the eclipse of the light because it's how dave deals when he doesn't want to acknowledge something. he shuts his eyes and tries to think about anything but bro, and the terrifying possibility that any of them will remember all the times dave slipped the fuck up.
it's the thing that's scared him most for half a year or so, now. it is the one memory john could piece together that dave would run away from. the deaths, whatever, he can handle those even if he hates everyone else remembering them (they hurt, they don't deserve the hurt). bro? no. ]
[The reaction is enough to surprise him. He looks at the clouds for a moment before his eyes lock on Dave's face. He doesn't want to rely on cheats to understand.]
[What if he sprawls on the piano bench like a cat? That's happening.]
Okay. The first thing I remembered was Showtime. I dreamed about it, kind of? But I remember being in a house...mine, probably, and playing it for probably no good reason. I was wearing a hat? Not that weird though.
[...HE'S NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN A FEW MEMORIES. FOR REASONS. SO.]
I think the biggest thing is the conversation I remember having with CG where he was explaining about the Veil. [Uh.] “A huge belt of meteors orbiting way outside Skaia, beyond the orbit of the planets, dividing the Medium” blah blah blah. And he explained what Derse and Prospit are.
…and something about a reckoning that’s starting because we fucked something up. Not too clear on that since he didn’t explain that part and just yelled some more.
[A pause as he remembers something else.] Oh. Does the name Terezi mean anything to you? I told AG that Terezi made me a map but I have no idea where I was going.
Yeah. I mentioned her to you before, I just didn't give you her name. Also, she's fuckin' blind so that would be why her map would be completely fucking useless.
[ ????????? john. he just...assumes john didn't know where he was going because terezi + map = i've seen her shitty clipart what the shit were you even attempting, egbert ]
Oh. Well that explains a lot but apparently she gave me a much better map and AG got mad? And I guess Terezi tried to kill me so that is weird and I am not sure why I would accept someone's help after that.
[Literally the same reason that he would do it now? God.]
Anyway AG was kind of mad Terezi was helping me first but apparently won't go on a hate-date with her. So that's good, I guess.
[ JUST. HE DOESN'T SPECIFICALLY REMEMBER JOHN BLASTING OFF YET i guess he probably can somewhere in here but that's rapidfire. ]
And you need, like, zero persuasion to trust anyone? Unless, probably, it were for your own damn good. [ he loves john, really, but ] Also I advise you to just forget anythin' you know about quadrants and literally never think about 'em.
Sure you're not. [ EYEBROWS RAISED you gave him all your cash and he remembers this, egbert. ] ...I just said not to think about quadrants, dumbass. Also, don't...mention Terezi to shouty mcasshole.
[Fuck off, meta text, John is a very simple soul.] I'm not thinking about them, I am asking! But fine, okay, no thinking about quadrants.
[He will probably remember quadrants later and hate it.] I still do not actually know his name, but sure. No Terezi for Shouty. Why not though? Hate-mance or whatever?
So basically there is no point in a discussion. [He grins. Hilariously Kashuu definitely told John about people with horns but not who, so someday John will put two and two together.]
I'll keep Terezi-talk to myself. [Hm.] I remember arguing with the other girl on the yellow ship, too. About science. The speed of light and physics but I didn't care about either one.
If for some godforsaken reason you actually need to talk about them, we can. [ he drops the annoyed clipped tone for a moment of sheer honesty, although the idea exhausts him. but it wasn't like he hadn't been immediately willing to discuss vriska or whatever in that stupid as fuck fruity rumpus chat since john had seemed to need to discuss it. ] But I don't think the idea of quadrants outweighs human romance shit right now so probably it will never be relevant. Also, I doubt you'd like that, dating wise?
[ the rest is...
he still wants to say nothing. he's said too much. but dave does think, for a moment, what it would be like not to know rose's name. ]
Jade Harley.
[ jade wolf. whatever. ]
You must have been arguin' about wanting to get there faster. [ it's quiet, and tired, and absolutely certain. he slots the argument away in his mental timeline of everything, not missing a beat, then says: ] I'm tapped out on this for the day? [ he gestures, and means explaining more, because it's still completely terrifying and he's never really explained why to anyone but dirk and now yuri. ]
Maybe later if I ever remember them. It does not have to be right this moment. [But he considers that for a moment before he shakes his head.] Probably not though.
[Still. Dave says Jade's name and his eyes widen a bit. Jade Harley. The last of the quartet. A girl he's seen in memories, but nothing else about her comes up. He thinks about Jade's face for a moment, temporarily frustrated that it's hard to make out and--
--get where faster? He wants to ask but he remembers his own rules and even so, Dave's expression is enough to quiet him.]
I think I am just about at my limit today, too. It's a lot to process so I think maybe I will work on that. [He looks at Dave again curiously.] ...thanks, by the way. For explaining the things you did. And for coming with me.
[ john doesn't know it's rose lalonde, either, but neither does rose. so dave doesn't correct that particular misconception, even though the name doesn't change the relation.
but it's rose's bullshit, and she's here to deal with it on her own if and when it comes up.
jade's gone, and dave doesn't think she ever remembered her real name, anyway. and isn't it funny he thinks of that as the real one, now? ]
I didn't explain a whole lot. [ skipped out on the game shit, didn't confirm or deny things john said or expand on them, didn't give vriska's name even though he's pretty sure spidertroll is ag.
he has pesterchum, and all the grayed out handles that never see any use. ]
[There are things he isn't saying, too, like the fact that he's a little jealous of his old self who had three best friends, worried that he won't live up to what Dave remembers him being, and that he's more exhausted from the knowledge now than he was before. He'll think about Jade Harley and the Striders (unaware of Rose's real name) and he'll think of the universe, stars and planets.
It's a little hard to breathe. Knowing that this is real. Knowing that somehow, someway, he managed to come to a school across the country and gravitate right toward another life's best friend. He doesn't care if Dave skipped details. This is enough. It's enough and it's bittersweet and he shakes his head again.]
[ awkward and unsure, his hands still in his pockets as he slouches back, leaning against the wall by the window. ]
If you want. I know I bugged you about it a lot, I just... [ he doesn't even know what to say that isn't too much. ] ...I just always wanted to do it in person back then and I've -
[ missed you since march when i remembered you and needed those memories because i remembered bro, too
[He watches for a moment before it becomes a bit too much, looking back at the keys as he thinks of the best way to explain. The thought bubble above his head fills with a dark, low-colored red and a few buried musical notes. The sounds he's playing along with on the keys now bring forth tiny notes that fly up and turn into little wisps of smoke that disappear.]
...I stopped playing and writing for a really long time because it hurt too much. [Maybe it shouldn't be a thing he admits, but here we are.] I tried for a while, but it was just tied to other things going on in my life that I wanted to get away from, so I started playing soccer instead, realized that sports have seasons even though music is full-time and picked up baseball for the spring, too. Playing and composing went on hiatus even though Nanna kept the piano in our house.
Showtime was the first thing in a while I wanted to write and understand. And yesterday we were just talking and that song seemed easy and playing it didn't...it was fun again. [It didn't hurt the same way, knowing the target was unrelated.] And your remix is still really cool.
Are you going to remix other things I send you? [A connection, he thinks. This was something they did back then, traded music somehow. Chats. They were online friends, but they obviously met in person at some point didn't they? It's a blurred line but he knows that in that life and this one thinking about music and Dave Strider feels different than music usually does these days.]
I don't know the difference between soccer and baseball.
[ that's. the first thing out of his mouth, and dave takes his hands out of his pockets, his left one going up and running through his hair absently as he tries to figure out what the answer should be. ]
If you don't want me to, I won't, or if you want me to...drop it ever. [ because that's true: he'd bugged john about it a lot, but john hadn't snapped at him to drop it so he...hadn't. ] But I - yeah? It's what I did. Do. It's -
[ something bright in a lonely apartment? fuck. he doesn't even live in texas any longer, with bro, with the puppets. ]
- it's...April. It's something I've wanted to do since April, only it wasn't April, it was back in fuckin' - when I was thirteen, or younger than that. Even with how I started off on music it's something that I guess never had any negative connotations for me. It was - is - the opposite. It's...how we talked to one another, or things we did, and I've missed you since -
[ march. he'd asked dirk if it was possible to miss someone who didn't exist. right. ]
I listened to the songs all through July, the last batch of mixes and compositions we all did. That's why I was...weird about it. I just missed you. I miss Rose, I miss Jade, I miss you.
[ it is, again, an inadequate term. whatever. ]
But one time was enough, so. If it hurts ever, don't force it? [ because he's perfectly willing to accept one showing of showtime as it if that's what john prefers, apparently. ] I just meant...the English language kind of sucks at making "thanks" sound like what it should be. And I don't know any others that do it better. But just...thanks, for this, and don't feel, I dunno. Obligated? It was what I wanted, and I should have, like, backed off on that anyway, so.
[And Dave will continue not to know about sportsball because it's not important. What is important is what he goes on to say.
April. It was his birthday, wasn't it? The day he wandered his house to play Showtime, he remembers that part, too, but nothing else. April. What the hell happened in April to them? That's not what Dave is saying, not really, and somehow it's another slight twist to his gut.
"It's how we talked to one another, or things we did, and I've missed you."
How the fuck do you miss someone you've never met? Maybe it's the same way he feels a strong pull knowing that the friend in his memories is the friend he's made here and they're not entirely the same. Of course they aren't. But they have the same core and that is enough.
The present tense hurts, too, but in a different way.]
I want to hear the rest, if that's okay? You said you have a batch of mixes and compositions the four of us did. I want to hear them. And it's not forced. This was different. I'm. [Weirdly affected by this. He goes quiet again.] I think you do not quite realize that you really, really suck at taking stuff you want. [Arguments about paying for a mini-fridge, dropped comments about paying for things to do with his friends, spoiling people...that makes sense. Dave Strider is that sort of person and though John doesn't remember much about the past life Dave it's something he likes about this Dave all the same.]
It won't be an obligation. I am out of practice and my head's gone quiet for some time, but I feel all right about it. It will be something we can try together.
It's mostly Jade's stuff, and mine. And I don't...want much.
[ or is not willing to admit to wanting much here so that's the same fucking thing. still. dave reaches out his hand and flicks his phone out of his sylladex without thinking about it. it's just nine songs and the files don't come with the icons when he manually sends them over, the little freshjamz symbols that let him know who had done what.
they're just file names, and songs. ]
Also, I could do the remix better now. I'm not thirteen.
I remember that thing, too. The. [He waves to the air to kind of indicate he means Dave's sylladex.] Things disappearing and reappearing into thin air.
[His phone beeps though and he gets all nine songs. The titles are intriguing and he flips through them but he listens to nothing yet.]
If you want to try a better remix now, I would not say no. I could even re-record Showtime for you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Suppose that is as good as we can get for now. [He can deal with temp-ghosting. With some warning. He'll get over it, probably. It's what he'll tell himself anyway.] Uh. Let me know if you want to know things as I remember them or not? I am pretty okay with either way.
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[ there's gray clouds and uncertainty, and they're visible but he ignores the eclipse of the light because it's how dave deals when he doesn't want to acknowledge something. he shuts his eyes and tries to think about anything but bro, and the terrifying possibility that any of them will remember all the times dave slipped the fuck up.
it's the thing that's scared him most for half a year or so, now. it is the one memory john could piece together that dave would run away from. the deaths, whatever, he can handle those even if he hates everyone else remembering them (they hurt, they don't deserve the hurt). bro? no. ]
...There's somethin' I need to know.
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Okay. What is it...?
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[ thanks dave this isn't ominous as fuck or anything. ]
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Okay. I can tell you everything I already know now if you want to be up to post.
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Yeah, why not. I'm feelin' vaguely magnanimous anyway.
[ he may deign to explain a thing or two, depending.
it isn't like he...doesn't understand homestuck... ]
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Okay. The first thing I remembered was Showtime. I dreamed about it, kind of? But I remember being in a house...mine, probably, and playing it for probably no good reason. I was wearing a hat? Not that weird though.
[...HE'S NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN A FEW MEMORIES. FOR REASONS. SO.]
I think the biggest thing is the conversation I remember having with CG where he was explaining about the Veil. [Uh.] “A huge belt of meteors orbiting way outside Skaia, beyond the orbit of the planets, dividing the Medium” blah blah blah. And he explained what Derse and Prospit are.
…and something about a reckoning that’s starting because we fucked something up. Not too clear on that since he didn’t explain that part and just yelled some more.
[A pause as he remembers something else.] Oh. Does the name Terezi mean anything to you? I told AG that Terezi made me a map but I have no idea where I was going.
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[ ????????? john. he just...assumes john didn't know where he was going because terezi + map = i've seen her shitty clipart what the shit were you even attempting, egbert ]
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[Literally the same reason that he would do it now? God.]
Anyway AG was kind of mad Terezi was helping me first but apparently won't go on a hate-date with her. So that's good, I guess.
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[ JUST. HE DOESN'T SPECIFICALLY REMEMBER JOHN BLASTING OFF YET i guess he probably can somewhere in here but that's rapidfire. ]
And you need, like, zero persuasion to trust anyone? Unless, probably, it were for your own damn good. [ he loves john, really, but ] Also I advise you to just forget anythin' you know about quadrants and literally never think about 'em.
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[He will probably remember quadrants later and hate it.] I still do not actually know his name, but sure. No Terezi for Shouty. Why not though? Hate-mance or whatever?
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[ hE ISN'T A FAN. ]
He's easily recognizable. [ he has...horns... ] And it'd just be annoying.
[ he wants to avoid...karkat remembering any of the bullshit about terezi and quadrants and nagging dave about them, okay...let him live in peace. ]
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I'll keep Terezi-talk to myself. [Hm.] I remember arguing with the other girl on the yellow ship, too. About science. The speed of light and physics but I didn't care about either one.
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[ the rest is...
he still wants to say nothing. he's said too much. but dave does think, for a moment, what it would be like not to know rose's name. ]
Jade Harley.
[ jade wolf. whatever. ]
You must have been arguin' about wanting to get there faster. [ it's quiet, and tired, and absolutely certain. he slots the argument away in his mental timeline of everything, not missing a beat, then says: ] I'm tapped out on this for the day? [ he gestures, and means explaining more, because it's still completely terrifying and he's never really explained why to anyone but dirk and now yuri. ]
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[Still. Dave says Jade's name and his eyes widen a bit. Jade Harley. The last of the quartet. A girl he's seen in memories, but nothing else about her comes up. He thinks about Jade's face for a moment, temporarily frustrated that it's hard to make out and--
--get where faster? He wants to ask but he remembers his own rules and even so, Dave's expression is enough to quiet him.]
I think I am just about at my limit today, too. It's a lot to process so I think maybe I will work on that. [He looks at Dave again curiously.] ...thanks, by the way. For explaining the things you did. And for coming with me.
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but it's rose's bullshit, and she's here to deal with it on her own if and when it comes up.
jade's gone, and dave doesn't think she ever remembered her real name, anyway. and isn't it funny he thinks of that as the real one, now? ]
I didn't explain a whole lot. [ skipped out on the game shit, didn't confirm or deny things john said or expand on them, didn't give vriska's name even though he's pretty sure spidertroll is ag.
he has pesterchum, and all the grayed out handles that never see any use. ]
And anyway, you offered to play me a song.
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It's a little hard to breathe. Knowing that this is real. Knowing that somehow, someway, he managed to come to a school across the country and gravitate right toward another life's best friend. He doesn't care if Dave skipped details. This is enough. It's enough and it's bittersweet and he shakes his head again.]
I've missed it. I would not mind doing it again.
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[ awkward and unsure, his hands still in his pockets as he slouches back, leaning against the wall by the window. ]
If you want. I know I bugged you about it a lot, I just... [ he doesn't even know what to say that isn't too much. ] ...I just always wanted to do it in person back then and I've -
[ missed you since march when i remembered you and needed those memories because i remembered bro, too
it's too much. ]
I'm...I don't know. Yeah.
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...I stopped playing and writing for a really long time because it hurt too much. [Maybe it shouldn't be a thing he admits, but here we are.] I tried for a while, but it was just tied to other things going on in my life that I wanted to get away from, so I started playing soccer instead, realized that sports have seasons even though music is full-time and picked up baseball for the spring, too. Playing and composing went on hiatus even though Nanna kept the piano in our house.
Showtime was the first thing in a while I wanted to write and understand. And yesterday we were just talking and that song seemed easy and playing it didn't...it was fun again. [It didn't hurt the same way, knowing the target was unrelated.] And your remix is still really cool.
Are you going to remix other things I send you? [A connection, he thinks. This was something they did back then, traded music somehow. Chats. They were online friends, but they obviously met in person at some point didn't they? It's a blurred line but he knows that in that life and this one thinking about music and Dave Strider feels different than music usually does these days.]
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[ that's. the first thing out of his mouth, and dave takes his hands out of his pockets, his left one going up and running through his hair absently as he tries to figure out what the answer should be. ]
If you don't want me to, I won't, or if you want me to...drop it ever. [ because that's true: he'd bugged john about it a lot, but john hadn't snapped at him to drop it so he...hadn't. ] But I - yeah? It's what I did. Do. It's -
[ something bright in a lonely apartment? fuck. he doesn't even live in texas any longer, with bro, with the puppets. ]
- it's...April. It's something I've wanted to do since April, only it wasn't April, it was back in fuckin' - when I was thirteen, or younger than that. Even with how I started off on music it's something that I guess never had any negative connotations for me. It was - is - the opposite. It's...how we talked to one another, or things we did, and I've missed you since -
[ march. he'd asked dirk if it was possible to miss someone who didn't exist. right. ]
I listened to the songs all through July, the last batch of mixes and compositions we all did. That's why I was...weird about it. I just missed you. I miss Rose, I miss Jade, I miss you.
[ it is, again, an inadequate term. whatever. ]
But one time was enough, so. If it hurts ever, don't force it? [ because he's perfectly willing to accept one showing of showtime as it if that's what john prefers, apparently. ] I just meant...the English language kind of sucks at making "thanks" sound like what it should be. And I don't know any others that do it better. But just...thanks, for this, and don't feel, I dunno. Obligated? It was what I wanted, and I should have, like, backed off on that anyway, so.
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April. It was his birthday, wasn't it? The day he wandered his house to play Showtime, he remembers that part, too, but nothing else. April. What the hell happened in April to them? That's not what Dave is saying, not really, and somehow it's another slight twist to his gut.
"It's how we talked to one another, or things we did, and I've missed you."
How the fuck do you miss someone you've never met? Maybe it's the same way he feels a strong pull knowing that the friend in his memories is the friend he's made here and they're not entirely the same. Of course they aren't. But they have the same core and that is enough.
The present tense hurts, too, but in a different way.]
I want to hear the rest, if that's okay? You said you have a batch of mixes and compositions the four of us did. I want to hear them. And it's not forced. This was different. I'm. [Weirdly affected by this. He goes quiet again.] I think you do not quite realize that you really, really suck at taking stuff you want. [Arguments about paying for a mini-fridge, dropped comments about paying for things to do with his friends, spoiling people...that makes sense. Dave Strider is that sort of person and though John doesn't remember much about the past life Dave it's something he likes about this Dave all the same.]
It won't be an obligation. I am out of practice and my head's gone quiet for some time, but I feel all right about it. It will be something we can try together.
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[ or is not willing to admit to wanting much here so that's the same fucking thing. still. dave reaches out his hand and flicks his phone out of his sylladex without thinking about it. it's just nine songs and the files don't come with the icons when he manually sends them over, the little freshjamz symbols that let him know who had done what.
they're just file names, and songs. ]
Also, I could do the remix better now. I'm not thirteen.
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I remember that thing, too. The. [He waves to the air to kind of indicate he means Dave's sylladex.] Things disappearing and reappearing into thin air.
[His phone beeps though and he gets all nine songs. The titles are intriguing and he flips through them but he listens to nothing yet.]
If you want to try a better remix now, I would not say no. I could even re-record Showtime for you.
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