[Madoka nods at his offer, and she's even able to find a smile from somewhere, as she settles herself down next to him. she doesn't have to do this alone, does she? somewhere in the midst of her horror at herself, Madoka forgot that - she just hadn't wanted anyone to worry about her.]
[she takes a deep breath, lifting her gaze to the sky for a moment. then ... she summons her Soul Gem in her hand, its gentle pink glow illuminating her face, and dancing on the roof around them.]
I ... found out something about this. Something I didn't know about back home.
[This is what he can do for her, at least. Even if he can't fix things here (or at home just yet) he can be supportive like he always has. He can listen and at least try. He doesn't know her very well yet, not the way he does his other friends, but he thinks highly of her and knows her well enough by now to understand that this is something that's hard for her and unusual for her to respond to. Seeing her like this, quiet and closed off, is also unusual.
So. He says nothing. He says nothing and he looks at the sky as well, watching the waves in the ocean above them while he gives her time to collect her thoughts. It's only when the Soul Gem appears that he turns his head, eyeing the pink power source cautiously.]
...oh? [What on earth could she have actually found out? They've only been here for, like, a day.] As much as I want to know how you found out, I think maybe the "what" is the first question. What did you find out?
[it's been a hell of a day. whatever bravery she was holding onto when she first started talking dissolves nearly instantly, and behind it is a steady stream of tears.]
I'm ... [give her a minute.]
... When I made this contract, we didn't know what that really meant ... that Kyubey was ripping out our souls and putting them in - [she closes her fist around her Soul Gem, though she can't conceal the glow, and brings her other hand to her face as if in pain. can she even tell where it's coming from? is her body actually feeling pain, or is it just the gem in her hand causing it? filling in the blanks for her? Madoka couldn't begin to guess.]
I wanted this magic so I could help other people ... But nobody told me where it actually comes from - every time I use it, I'm ... I'm destroying myself.
[That was and wasn't expected, and so though his eyes are wide with surprise at the sudden appearance of tears he still says nothing even as he subtly shifts. It's a natural movement of shifting to pull her into his side and tentatively drape an arm over her shoulder. This is okay, right? Truthfully he's just doing what he would do for any of his friends if they were as distraught.
The more surprising part is what she actually says and the words seem to hang in the air. A creature that granted a wish for the price of your soul. Wasn't there a story like that? Maybe it doesn't matter, what matters is the fact that she was lied to and made into something sacrificial without the context. A part of someone else's game without the rules being set.]
A literal soul gem. [It's a quiet murmur and he can't help but stare at the gem in her hand. Even when her other hand comes up he tightens the grip around her shoulders and allows himself to think.] Every time you use your gem to transform then. A piece of your soul...? ["Disappears?"] And that's why the question. Some bad happening even though it's helping a lot of people.
[What the fuck. Why is it the good people who always get hurt?] How did you find out? Maybe...maybe there's something else to it.
[she doesn't mind. if anything, she feels a bit relieved, and leans against him — comforted enough, at least, to keep talking.]
We tested it. [Madoka opens her hand again, the Soul Gem lying flat on her palm.]
If I'm separated from this, after a certain distance this body just ... stops. [because "this body" isn't really Madoka anymore, is it? Madoka is the clouded pink swirling around gently in the Soul Gem.]
[she shakes her head.]
Dirk-san said he might be able to help. [she doesn't really have a choice, if she's going to use her magic here without killing herself. there is no solution to expending magic and corrupting Soul Gems here like there is back home.]
He said ... one day he could put everything back the way it's supposed to be. But ... [one would think that would be something to cheer her up, but for some reason she hasn't explained, it just makes her feel worse.]
[Even before she explains in full, he seems to understand "We tested it." There's only one person he knows here who can actually test matters of the heart and soul. (...well, there's Sorey, but somehow he doesn't think that's right either.)
It's only when she says his name that his suspicions are confirmed and he bites the inside of his cheek. Of course Dirk would be able to sense something like that. It's not his place to say that he's not sure Dirk can put everything back the way it's supposed to be, though it has very little to do with Dirk himself. They're all still learning to juggle their aspects in different ways, but even that, too, isn't what he's thinking. So instead, he focuses on filling in the blanks.]
But if he puts everything back the way it's supposed to be, you'll no longer be a magical girl and you can't help people the way you've been helping them. The contract will be broken. [He frowns lightly because that is an absolutely shitty position to put someone in.] And that's what you're worried about, isn't it?
Edited (I hit enter too soon bc I clicked the wrong thing whoops) 2017-07-25 16:03 (UTC)
[if Dirk can't undo the corruption in her Soul Gem, and if she can't find another solution, then her fate is sealed. she'll fight for as long as her soul remains pure, and then she'll be gone. that's always been a magical girl's fate, after all, whether the rules have been bent or not.]
[but that's not even close to the top of the list of Madoka's concerns right now — and John's hit her thoughts right on the nose.]
I made a promise ... I can't back away from it, no matter how much it scares me. I can't — I can't face everybody who's been fighting for so long, if I just run away from this like a coward...
[He isn't even touching the "what if" yet. He doesn't know what to say about that and part of him wonders if he needs to talk to Dirk himself and get his thoughts on the matter. John isn't the Heart player so it's out of his domain of understanding. But he does understand what else she's saying.
He more than understands needing to move forward with something to save everyone, even if it scares him.]
Hey. [It's just a firm word to draw her to a stop before he shifts to look at her.] Being scared and running away are not the same thing. [And part of him thinks about how things went at home, too.] I really do not think your friends would blame you for being afraid of what this means when it sounds like Kyubey tricked all of you.
[...maybe he shouldn't ask this of her, but her answer will change his own response.] If you knew...if Kyubey approached you the first time and told you that your power would come from your soul, but that you would still be helping people by fighting the Nightmares, would you still have done it?
[deep down, Madoka knows — she's certain — that her friends would support her no matter what she chose to do. maybe ... it's more that she's not sure if she wouldn't blame herself.]
[but she seems almost startled by that question. give her a minute to think it over.]
I think ... I think if others were really hurting, and there was really something I could do to help ... then I would have done it.
[It's the answer he sort of knew that she would give. It's an answer he's all too familiar with and he thinks of other people who are just as self-sacrificing. Martyrs who were thrust into things without permission and have just accepted their fate.]
...someone very smart once told me something about how things work. [His words are careful then.] He said: "the thing about how things are "supposed to go" is that they're not always good, and they dont always have happy endings. A lot of deadend timelines had better things happen in them. More people survive or some different, better choices were made. But by the rules, those things did not count because they weren't how things were supposed to go."
And I think, maybe, because of your answer...you know that. Instinctually, I mean. Even knowing what you know now, you just said that you would still do it because you want to help. Because that is how things are supposed to go. But I also do not think this is the end. That's the thing about time and fate? It sounds very scary when you only know parts of it, but there's still the end to meet. So...I think there is still time and a way to find a solution. There has to be a third option outside of letting this happen to you and not letting it happen at all.
It may just need to be something unexpected. "Something that works outside of things." [That part wasn't supposed to be directly quoted, but it is something he has given thought to for some time.]
Dirk is still new to his aspect, but I don't think that will stop him from trying to find an answer. Just like I do not think you will stop being a magical girl who wants to help. And just like I think you will not stop being yourself just because your soul isn't in your body. It's. Still yours, isn't it? It's still in your hands. [Like...literally.] It is still yours to decide what to do with, and I know you want to help but don't forget there are people that will help you, too. No matter what you decide.
[John is right — he is absolutely, 100 percent right. Madoka was so overwhelmed with everything, with so many unanswered questions, it's almost like she was starting to forget who she was. that's ... another trap that every magical girl falls into, in the end.]
[there are tears sliding down her cheeks again, but they aren't so much out of misery as earlier. it's funny. they've only known each other for a few weeks, but, somehow, it seems like John already knows her so well, already has her figured out. maybe she's easy to read — maybe she's more convinced than ever that reaching out to him for help was the best decision she's made here.]
[there's still a lot of hurt there, when she looks at him again, but it's easily overshadowed by gratefulness. and hope.]
I think ... I have a lot I need to think about. [when she tries on a smile this time, it isn't very steady, but it's sincere.]
But I think I want to keep fighting — one step forward, right? Um.
Whatever it is we're facing here, on this world ... would it be all right if we faced it together? I'm probably not as strong as you or your friends, but...
[It's funny because the advice he's giving her is advice he wishes he could give other people and also advice maybe he should take himself. But that's neither here nor there and this isn't something he should only give part of his attention to. Madoka came to him for help and that is the thing he needs to focus on.
There's some relief in knowing that it seemed to help though and though she's still shattered by everything, the attempted smile helps. There's still hope to be found and that, probably, is most important.]
You're stronger than you think. I know a lot of people that wouldn't reach out to other people for help with something like this, you know. That is probably one of the bravest things you could have done. [The trouble is that there's nothing but sincerity in his own tone, too. He truly believes that.] It's not about if you're as strong as us or anybody else. It is about the fact that you want to keep fighting. Somebody could be the strongest person in the universe but if they didn't want to try what even would be the point? So. I think you'll be okay. We can do this together and you have time to think about what you want to do. You have people here that will be ready for whatever you decide, too.
[There's a short pause.] But until then...we just need to protect your soul gem, right? Everybody has something. I mean just because we are gods doesn't mean we can't die, too. [Even if it's conditionally.] Whatever we're supposed to do here, we'll definitely do it together. Don't worry.
I don't know if brave is the right word. I think ... I just knew, deep down, that I could count on you.
[Madoka smiles again, and holds her hand out as her Soul Gem rearranges itself into a ring again, safe on her finger.]
I think this is probably the safest place for it for now. [assuming nobody in the coven or any of the Palai are jewelry thieves. but she's confident she can keep it as safe as she ever has.] Maybe we can figure out something else for it later.
I'm ... really happy that I met you, John-san. Thank you for listening to me. [for the confidence in her. for saying exactly what she needed to hear. for being a friend, a pal and a confidant.]
[and for the first time since they arrived here, Madoka feels safe. safe enough to let the exhaustion she'd been fighting for this long set in. so she starts drooping a little, sorry about that John.]
It's still a word I would use. [But he watches the gem turn back into a ring and grins softly. She can protect herself. He knows that, but he can still do what he can to be someone reliable.] But...thanks. I'll do my best to keep being someone you can count on, okay? And listen and everything.
[That's always nice to hear, too.] It's the same for me, you know. ["I'm happy I met you, too."] We'll figure everything out together.
[But of course she's starting to nod off and there's a small laugh of surprise as he shifts to make this more comfortable for both of them.] You ready to head back in? Or do you want to stay a little longer?
[even though she had started to doze, Madoka heard what he said. after she's had a good night's sleep, it's guaranteed she'll make sure he knows — she wants to be someone that John can count on, too. whatever it takes.]
[she starts, though, when he shifts.] Ah! Sorry —
[and then, with a sheepish little laugh of her own:] Maybe we should both get some rest.
[It's perhaps a bit surprising that the look he gives her is almost of fondness, but he shakes his head instead once she apologizes.] Don't worry about it, it's okay. Rest doesn't sound like a bad idea though. Who knows what we will end up doing tomorrow. I'll fly us back down when you're ready.
[There's. Definitely a set of stairs they could take that isn't far under them and it would lead them to the lower level of the house, but who wants to do that? Not him. Nope.]
[it's surprisingly comfortable up on the roof — but John's right, who knows what could happen tomorrow. she doesn't want him losing anymore sleep than he already has.]
[so, she's the first to pull herself to her feet.]
I'm ready. [with a smile, she offers a hand to help him up.]
[He could have kept her here longer, but sleeping upright is uncomfortable at best and dangerous at worse. He takes the offered hand and pulls himself into a standing position, though he immediately shifts to bend and allow Madoka to jump on his back again.]
If we're here for a while? This might be a good place to come in the evenings anyway. You can see the ocean from here, too.
[and once they're safe down on the ground, and she's back on her feet, she ... looks down, fingers steepled, seemingly considering something.]
[ah, what the heck.]
[Madoka steps closer and wraps her arms around John in the biggest hug she can muster. she's a good foot shorter than him, so it might be a bit awkward, but it's genuinely affectionate and grateful all the same.]
[He's not sure what the considering look is for and he's about to ask if she's really okay but then she moves and--
--oh. It's unexpected, to say the least, and as such he's left staring at the top of her head for a split-second before returning the gesture. It's just as genuine and affectionate and he doesn't pull back just yet.]
[Madoka nods and just. hangs on for a minute — please bear with her. when she does let go, she quickly lifts a hand to swipe at her eyes. she ... thought she had run out of tears, but at least these are happy ones.]
I'll catch up with you tomorrow, all right? [in the afternoon, probably, after she's slept in. if her pigtails could droop in exhaustion, they would be right now.]
[Madoka why are you precious, stop this. He does nothing to hurry her along because he's okay with this. She clearly needed it and that's all right by him.]
Tomorrow it is. Get some rest. [He hopes she will, at least.]
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[she takes a deep breath, lifting her gaze to the sky for a moment. then ... she summons her Soul Gem in her hand, its gentle pink glow illuminating her face, and dancing on the roof around them.]
I ... found out something about this. Something I didn't know about back home.
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So. He says nothing. He says nothing and he looks at the sky as well, watching the waves in the ocean above them while he gives her time to collect her thoughts. It's only when the Soul Gem appears that he turns his head, eyeing the pink power source cautiously.]
...oh? [What on earth could she have actually found out? They've only been here for, like, a day.] As much as I want to know how you found out, I think maybe the "what" is the first question. What did you find out?
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I'm ... [give her a minute.]
... When I made this contract, we didn't know what that really meant ... that Kyubey was ripping out our souls and putting them in - [she closes her fist around her Soul Gem, though she can't conceal the glow, and brings her other hand to her face as if in pain. can she even tell where it's coming from? is her body actually feeling pain, or is it just the gem in her hand causing it? filling in the blanks for her? Madoka couldn't begin to guess.]
I wanted this magic so I could help other people ... But nobody told me where it actually comes from - every time I use it, I'm ... I'm destroying myself.
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The more surprising part is what she actually says and the words seem to hang in the air. A creature that granted a wish for the price of your soul. Wasn't there a story like that? Maybe it doesn't matter, what matters is the fact that she was lied to and made into something sacrificial without the context. A part of someone else's game without the rules being set.]
A literal soul gem. [It's a quiet murmur and he can't help but stare at the gem in her hand. Even when her other hand comes up he tightens the grip around her shoulders and allows himself to think.] Every time you use your gem to transform then. A piece of your soul...? ["Disappears?"] And that's why the question. Some bad happening even though it's helping a lot of people.
[What the fuck. Why is it the good people who always get hurt?] How did you find out? Maybe...maybe there's something else to it.
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We tested it. [Madoka opens her hand again, the Soul Gem lying flat on her palm.]
If I'm separated from this, after a certain distance this body just ... stops. [because "this body" isn't really Madoka anymore, is it? Madoka is the clouded pink swirling around gently in the Soul Gem.]
[she shakes her head.]
Dirk-san said he might be able to help. [she doesn't really have a choice, if she's going to use her magic here without killing herself. there is no solution to expending magic and corrupting Soul Gems here like there is back home.]
He said ... one day he could put everything back the way it's supposed to be. But ... [one would think that would be something to cheer her up, but for some reason she hasn't explained, it just makes her feel worse.]
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It's only when she says his name that his suspicions are confirmed and he bites the inside of his cheek. Of course Dirk would be able to sense something like that. It's not his place to say that he's not sure Dirk can put everything back the way it's supposed to be, though it has very little to do with Dirk himself. They're all still learning to juggle their aspects in different ways, but even that, too, isn't what he's thinking. So instead, he focuses on filling in the blanks.]
But if he puts everything back the way it's supposed to be, you'll no longer be a magical girl and you can't help people the way you've been helping them. The contract will be broken. [He frowns lightly because that is an absolutely shitty position to put someone in.] And that's what you're worried about, isn't it?
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[but that's not even close to the top of the list of Madoka's concerns right now — and John's hit her thoughts right on the nose.]
I made a promise ... I can't back away from it, no matter how much it scares me. I can't — I can't face everybody who's been fighting for so long, if I just run away from this like a coward...
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He more than understands needing to move forward with something to save everyone, even if it scares him.]
Hey. [It's just a firm word to draw her to a stop before he shifts to look at her.] Being scared and running away are not the same thing. [And part of him thinks about how things went at home, too.] I really do not think your friends would blame you for being afraid of what this means when it sounds like Kyubey tricked all of you.
[...maybe he shouldn't ask this of her, but her answer will change his own response.] If you knew...if Kyubey approached you the first time and told you that your power would come from your soul, but that you would still be helping people by fighting the Nightmares, would you still have done it?
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[but she seems almost startled by that question. give her a minute to think it over.]
I think ... I think if others were really hurting, and there was really something I could do to help ... then I would have done it.
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...someone very smart once told me something about how things work. [His words are careful then.] He said: "the thing about how things are "supposed to go" is that they're not always good, and they dont always have happy endings. A lot of deadend timelines had better things happen in them. More people survive or some different, better choices were made. But by the rules, those things did not count because they weren't how things were supposed to go."
And I think, maybe, because of your answer...you know that. Instinctually, I mean. Even knowing what you know now, you just said that you would still do it because you want to help. Because that is how things are supposed to go. But I also do not think this is the end. That's the thing about time and fate? It sounds very scary when you only know parts of it, but there's still the end to meet. So...I think there is still time and a way to find a solution. There has to be a third option outside of letting this happen to you and not letting it happen at all.
It may just need to be something unexpected. "Something that works outside of things." [That part wasn't supposed to be directly quoted, but it is something he has given thought to for some time.]
Dirk is still new to his aspect, but I don't think that will stop him from trying to find an answer. Just like I do not think you will stop being a magical girl who wants to help. And just like I think you will not stop being yourself just because your soul isn't in your body. It's. Still yours, isn't it? It's still in your hands. [Like...literally.] It is still yours to decide what to do with, and I know you want to help but don't forget there are people that will help you, too. No matter what you decide.
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[there are tears sliding down her cheeks again, but they aren't so much out of misery as earlier. it's funny. they've only known each other for a few weeks, but, somehow, it seems like John already knows her so well, already has her figured out. maybe she's easy to read — maybe she's more convinced than ever that reaching out to him for help was the best decision she's made here.]
[there's still a lot of hurt there, when she looks at him again, but it's easily overshadowed by gratefulness. and hope.]
I think ... I have a lot I need to think about. [when she tries on a smile this time, it isn't very steady, but it's sincere.]
But I think I want to keep fighting — one step forward, right? Um.
Whatever it is we're facing here, on this world ... would it be all right if we faced it together? I'm probably not as strong as you or your friends, but...
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There's some relief in knowing that it seemed to help though and though she's still shattered by everything, the attempted smile helps. There's still hope to be found and that, probably, is most important.]
You're stronger than you think. I know a lot of people that wouldn't reach out to other people for help with something like this, you know. That is probably one of the bravest things you could have done. [The trouble is that there's nothing but sincerity in his own tone, too. He truly believes that.] It's not about if you're as strong as us or anybody else. It is about the fact that you want to keep fighting. Somebody could be the strongest person in the universe but if they didn't want to try what even would be the point? So. I think you'll be okay. We can do this together and you have time to think about what you want to do. You have people here that will be ready for whatever you decide, too.
[There's a short pause.] But until then...we just need to protect your soul gem, right? Everybody has something. I mean just because we are gods doesn't mean we can't die, too. [Even if it's conditionally.] Whatever we're supposed to do here, we'll definitely do it together. Don't worry.
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[Madoka smiles again, and holds her hand out as her Soul Gem rearranges itself into a ring again, safe on her finger.]
I think this is probably the safest place for it for now. [assuming nobody in the coven or any of the Palai are jewelry thieves. but she's confident she can keep it as safe as she ever has.] Maybe we can figure out something else for it later.
I'm ... really happy that I met you, John-san. Thank you for listening to me. [for the confidence in her. for saying exactly what she needed to hear. for being a friend, a pal and a confidant.]
[and for the first time since they arrived here, Madoka feels safe. safe enough to let the exhaustion she'd been fighting for this long set in. so she starts drooping a little, sorry about that John.]
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[That's always nice to hear, too.] It's the same for me, you know. ["I'm happy I met you, too."] We'll figure everything out together.
[But of course she's starting to nod off and there's a small laugh of surprise as he shifts to make this more comfortable for both of them.] You ready to head back in? Or do you want to stay a little longer?
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[she starts, though, when he shifts.] Ah! Sorry —
[and then, with a sheepish little laugh of her own:] Maybe we should both get some rest.
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[There's. Definitely a set of stairs they could take that isn't far under them and it would lead them to the lower level of the house, but who wants to do that? Not him. Nope.]
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[so, she's the first to pull herself to her feet.]
I'm ready. [with a smile, she offers a hand to help him up.]
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If we're here for a while? This might be a good place to come in the evenings anyway. You can see the ocean from here, too.
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[and once they're safe down on the ground, and she's back on her feet, she ... looks down, fingers steepled, seemingly considering something.]
[ah, what the heck.]
[Madoka steps closer and wraps her arms around John in the biggest hug she can muster. she's a good foot shorter than him, so it might be a bit awkward, but it's genuinely affectionate and grateful all the same.]
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--oh. It's unexpected, to say the least, and as such he's left staring at the top of her head for a split-second before returning the gesture. It's just as genuine and affectionate and he doesn't pull back just yet.]
Whenever you want. Okay? I'm always around.
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I'll catch up with you tomorrow, all right? [in the afternoon, probably, after she's slept in. if her pigtails could droop in exhaustion, they would be right now.]
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Tomorrow it is. Get some rest. [He hopes she will, at least.]