[He has an argument for that, but it dies somewhere in his throat. Dave had moved and now he was in front of him and this hut is so fucking small and there's really nowhere for either of them to go from here. There's so much he doesn't understand, and even more he doesn't realize he doesn't understand. He wants to argue that it's his fault as much as Dirk's, the same argument he'd already had with one Strider...
...but this isn't about that. Dave's trying to make it about that, but John's not going to let him make it about that.]
I know. [He doesn't, but it doesn't matter. He can fix the mistakes. This was something bigger.] It doesn't matter anymore, I can still fix it. I can make things right again once we get back. But I think...I don't have an answer, really. I get it. When you feel like you failed everyone, you probably don't want to be around those people very much. And like I told you, everything with him and Jake is awkward and even moreso since Jake has issues too, I guess. So you're the next on Dirk's list of people, and if isolation means being desperate for anything solid then...[A shrug.]
Both of you sometimes suck at communicating. Must be a Strider thing. [A half-hearted teasing grin.] But it comes back to that whole weird thing where they think we're heroes and we're just...us. I just wonder if Dirk knows what limits are when it comes to trying to make something work. It's not like you know when to give shit a rest when you're really stubborn about it, too.
[There's a short pause before he looks away.] Maybe he just doesn't understand why the hell this would be weird on the flipside.
Hey, don't lie. [ it's a hypocritical thing to say. he knows it. john probably knows it, but - ] You can say you don't wanna talk about it now or ever, but please? Don't say it doesn't matter or you know when you don't, dumbass. You don't have to agree with me but don't just say you do and go with it.
[ every word makes him a bigger hypocrite...rest in pieces. dave kind of wants to reach out but he never knows how to, so he just locks his arms around the knee he isn't kneeling on. ]
I know. I know that he thinks of me like - I know he never had a family. [ dave never did either, not one who loved him or whom he loved without reserve, not until rose. ] I know he grew up on pieces of a guy who shared my name and face and probably some other shit. He did SBaHJ stuff? Dirk has a fuckin' tattoo - but I know. I know it's...I know it's weird and I know there are reasons why he's so...himself about this, I just...
[ the things he has never said, will maybe never say. ]
...it's just...difficult. I don't know how to handle him. I know I'm doin' it wrong, but every time I'm around him I just want to run away. The best time was literally when you were there, 'cause at least that was - [ safe ] - less awkward. I don't know how to try right. I don't know how to not make him do...things like erase his own memories 'cause I can't do it right, the whole Strider family thing.
I don't want to talk about it now. [That's almost immediate after Dave says that first part because...he doesn't. He doesn't want to talk about this when he's focusing on a bigger problem and when it's his own shit to handle. Maybe that, too, makes him hypocritical.
So instead he's up against the wall and he's staring at a point on Dave's knee instead of at his face while he digests the rest.]
Movies. He made SBaHJ movies that were kind of a huge thing. [He shakes his head before there's a very quiet sigh.] What would even be the right way to handle this shit? It's not like anybody left us a playbook on all of this right next to my ectobiologist suit or anything. I. [...there's a pause, awkward and uncertain for a moment.] I can't always be there. Neither can Rose. And I can't stop things from colliding again like they did by explaining this to Dirk because that's not really my place either? You're my best friend and it's stupid for me or Rose or anybody else to tell other people stuff you tell us.
[He can only assume that Dave's probably told Rose. The importance of Rose Lalonde has never been lost on him. Not after what Dave did for Rose. Not after the two of them went down together for each other.]
I think...he's less awkward with me because I'm the furthest point of contact. So I mean. Maybe I can figure this out, but I know you don't know how to handle it. That was pretty obvious. I told you that days ago and it's still true. I think maybe he would do stuff like that even if you were not in the picture. I still can't figure out the stuff with him and Jake, and Dirk and I have talked enough times that I think I can sort of figure him out but it's not as easy as talking to you or Rose. And it probably never will be. So...if I don't get to blame myself, I'm not really sure you should get to either. But I also am not sure what to do. [He's waiting for permission, maybe. Maybe that's it? A sign from Dave that he can take some of the burden and fix things here. He had wanted to fix things back then and then the Strilondes took the Tumor and ran. He's slightly alarmed that DAve is even telling him this, but he knows better, aware that this is what it means to be friends with someone and be as supportive as possible. At the same time, he has to wonder if this is enough. If this keeps happening and hurting them both. Is it enough? Is it even his place to fix this, too? What falls in his domain of fixing anymore, anyway? Fuck.]
I'm not sure what to do, either. [ honestly, he never has been. he thinks maybe he should play it off and tell john it's fine, but it's so obvious it isn't. sharing even this much is a form of damage control - and maybe that's kind of fucked up, but dave can't help thinking it, even as he acknowledges it to himself.
he doesn't mention blame again. if john doesn't want to talk about it they won't talk about it. he knows if he says "i don't want to talk about dirk" they won't talk about dirk, but the more important factor here is "i don't want you to give my issue with dirk enough thought to find the truth". so there has to be some kind of truth beyond the Truth to find. ]
And I know you can't always be there. [ they lived for three years without john, and rose wasn't always there either; she was drunk, or busy, or - not around. dave relies on them but he is used to not having them there, too. in any other situation he'd pull in and not say a word, but bro has always been his biggest weakness. it has never been in a good way. ] I have to learn to handle it on my own. I just need...time. Or - I don't know. The whole trainin' idea, we stopped that, and there isn't really a thing I want to do with him that'd get me used to him. I'm willin' to do shit I don't want to do but he doesn't want that, so it's sort of, like, checkmate? I'm doin' it wrong because I can't make myself want what he wants, and if I had the dude never would have messed with his own memories. If he'd fucked that up, it would've been on me.
[There's almost a humorless laugh at that. The Knight of Time needing time. It's sort of sad, isn't it? They're all thrown off here and he thinks maybe to point that out, but he doesn't. He doesn't know how deep this runs and he doesn't know what to say to make it better. Maybe that's not his place.
As a leader, isn't he supposed to know how to handle his team and back up their weaknesses? What the fuck happens when that can't happen?]
I think you might mean stalemate, but sure. Okay. I know. I know you know all of this and just. [It's frustrating. He's not mad at Dave and he's not mad at Dirk but the whole thing is frustrating and annoying.] Explain something to me. How exactly is it wrong to not force yourself to do something you don't really want to do? [There's a point, but he's curious to what Dave will say.]
[ ah. dave knows immediately the truth won't save him here. because the truth is he is supposed to do whatever bro wants him to do. he is supposed to fall in line and be the good soldier and even if he's struggling with the impulse by going as far in the other direction as he can (even if he keeps trying to capitulate anyway) dave never stops feeling completely in the wrong for not simply letting dirk do whatever he wants. the puppet master and the marionette. his entire childhood.
his entire life, really.
it's wrong because it goes against every instinct instilled in him from birth on. but dave's aware it shouldn't be wrong, or isn't wrong in the egbertian point of view, the one that currently matters.
accordingly, he picks a different truth. ]
In this case, I'd say it's wrong because not doin' it or compromisin' is causing someone else to hurt themselves. Allowing that to happen, knowingly, ain't really the mark of a great person, John.
So compromising and letting you and Rose handle the Tumor makes me a bad person because I didn't force myself to fight harder? [It's not the same thing. He knows it isn't, but he's throwing that out there anyway.] Oooor not forcing myself to figure out a way to stop Jade when she was all grimbark and letting her hurt herself and everyone else also makes me a bad person?
[ the incredibly unfair thing is he can't and won't bring up john's "failure" to throw back in his face because john said not to talk about it.
dave laughs, a little awkward. ]
Dude. I think we got a little off track. All I wanted to do was check that I wasn't...bein' overdramatic about freakin' out about the one thing, a little.
You're being an idiot, but not about the thing you were worried about. [He folds his arms over his chest, staring up at the ceiling instead.] It's not overdramatic. It's weird and unnerving and I'm a little freaked out, too, and he's not even my--whatever. So okay. Not overdramatic. I don't even know how he could have erased his memories here, that's the weird part.
[But okay. He's busy pushing past the heaviness of the topic, swimming upward against the current to break the surface and bring things back to normal.]
You've always been much cooler when you aren't so worried about what your Bro was doing or what he was thinking and you were thinking about stuff on your own. Why the fuck is this any different? [Cooler isn't the word he wants, but it's purposeful and a callback to a once upon a time conversation. The first mark of how close they were. Dave has always been Dave, but Dave has always been a better version of himself in the few times he did his own thing. Why is this different? Why are they going backwards?]
...I guess he makes me feel [ he almost says "thirteen again" but john isn't fully aware of just how fucked up dave was at thirteen (like he's better at sixteen) and course corrects to: ] like a little kid again. It's not a thing he's tryin' to do, or a thing I am meanin' to allow. But it feels like I'm a kid again, and old habits die hard?
[ he drops his chin down onto his knee, pulling his leg tighter to his chest and eyeing john speculatively. ]
You know, what would really help would be if you went on and on about all my cool qualities. It has been forever since you complimented me properly.
[ ok. he's not being serious any longer, apparently. ]
[And like that there goes the wind out of his sails. He's always had brief suspicions that something's been up about Dave and his Bro (though never actually how fucked up things were), but just his own thoughts and speculations he hasn't really voiced out loud. It's strange to hear Dave say something like that, but maybe it makes sense? Kids are told what to do by their guardians without really getting to ask questions. It's weird, but he's aware this isn't conventional either. There's an inhale and he holds his breath for a moment, staring at Dave for a minute and studying him closely.
...it's strange, because from his stance he sort of looks like a little kid on the defense. But that's silly. So instead there a heavy, overdramatic sigh as he tilts his head back to stare at the ceiling. Okay. They can resume being light and casual now. It's still something sitting at the base of his skull, but he can roll with it.]
Is this the part where I say that you're attractive and I'm attracted to you again and it's no wonder that everyone trips over their feet for a chance to be noticed by the cool kid? [There's a hint of a grin anyway. Even if that part is a complete joke, he seems to actually be taking this seriously.] Your art skills are actually getting better, dude. I really hope we get to go to a world with better technology because then maybe I can find a keyboard and you can find turntables and we can show the rest of the coven your sick beats. And I think I was promised a better movie education? I'll even take notes this time.
[A pause.] It's probably stupid, but I've spent pretty much every day for the last six years really, really excited for the first day I would get to meet you guys and hang out in person. It's probably stupider that I'm not sure when that excitement will wear off. I guess that's just because you are definitely so cool. [It's a joking note at the end, too, but still weirdly sincere.]
[ the thing about dave asking for compliments, jokingly, was that he'd expected john to like shove him over or roll his eyes or say something completely stupid in response. maybe groan and inform dave he's not all that, or something.
he didn't expect actual compliments. maybe at most the stupid joke ones, the "you're attractive, i'm attracted to you" part followed by "jk " and a dorky as shit laugh, not, like, real stuff.
dave didn't expect the admittance that john had been waiting every day to meet him. and rose and jade, always all three of them, but no matter how secure dave is in the knowledge his friends care, he's never quite sure it's as much as he does, desperately.
so it hits like a punch to the gut and he gets flustered, his expression not changing but his skin going a little red behind the freckles. what the fuck. john egbert shouldn't be allowed to say words. as usual, dave falls back on humor and fast talking to cover for himself, not even thinking about anything he says. ]
It's ok, no one could blame you for bein' super attracted to me, because everyone definitely does trip over their feet tryin' to get my attention. Better be careful about who you flash your VIP pass for, or the unwashed masses may try to fight you for it? Those movie education lessons could inspire murder if people knew you were gettin' them and not them, bro. Watch your back. I'd hate to have to replace you at this point, the auditions would be insane? "Do you contestant 413 have a weird obsession with the ghostbusters? Can you spell Mcwhatever?? No??? Disqualified".
[Haha, why wouldn't John take the opportunity to actually say what he wants to say and what he thinks needs to be heard? He doesn't realize the impact the words will have (as usual) and so while he very briefly catches the faint flush it's not enough to recognize what it is, nor give thought to why it would be so.]
God, you wish. [Ah, there we go, and there's a large playful grin even as Dave continues to be Dave.] Anyway as your best bro I am pretty sure I get special treatment with or without VIP status. Also my replacement would have to have at least passing knowledge of the Ghostbusters MMO. Good luck with that.
[ dave groans, lets go of his leg, and flops backwards ontot he floor. ]
Dude, why. Why did you remind me that's a thing? I already couldn't believe it was a thing you enthusiastically bought - or a thing that existed - back when you got on and waxed poetic rhapsodies about it, I still can't believe it to this day?
[He ends up laughing, watching Dave topple over before he moves to lean forward and stare down at him instead.]
I only bought it for a dollar, relax. And besides, Jade and Dave Sprite played it with me on the ship, too, so therefore at least one version of you also played the shitty game while Jade made a furrybuster.
No, I refuse. I'm officially denouncin' bird-me for playing that game.
[ DAVE SAYS, LIKE HE WOULDN'T COMPLETELY PLAY THE GAME IF JOHN ASKED bitching about the quality all the while. ]
...You know, sometimes I manage to forget Jade's completely a furry and then I talk to her or people say shit and it's like "yeah no she surfed furaffinity for kicks when we were thirteen, in all seriousness".
He was on the opposite team but even then I'm not sure he knew how to play right. [An eyeroll. THE REAL DAVE WOULD KNOW WHAT WAS UP. But then there's the comment about Jade and he bites back another grin.]
Maybe Jade always knew this would be her destiny. But also it is much harder to forget it when I spent three years watching her growl and chase Rose's sprite while also being able to smell me if I wasn't the breeze. I think she's pretty used to it by now though.
You've always been on my team. [Without any hesitation.] I don't know. Sometimes things with him were really weird because he was doing his own thing that went the opposite way of what I would think.
[He reaches forward to kick lightly with his foot.] Shut up, how do you think she was following me around? Dogs have very sensitive noses.
It's not so much the why I'm concerned about but the how. I do not have a nerd musk, what would that even smell like? God, never mind, don't answer that. Thanks, I guess.
[There's a pause.] ...if you want, we can get an early start on training or something. I'm not busy.
I can't believe that's what you tried to sell to Jade. [Other than he definitely can. With that, he's getting to his feet, too, and moving to retrieve Vrillyhoo from where it's propped by his bed. They definitely just fucked around with snack food during their first session though, lbr.]
Let's head further down the beach away from the huts then just in case anybody gets the bright idea to hang out outside. I don't think we want anybody in the way.
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...but this isn't about that. Dave's trying to make it about that, but John's not going to let him make it about that.]
I know. [He doesn't, but it doesn't matter. He can fix the mistakes. This was something bigger.] It doesn't matter anymore, I can still fix it. I can make things right again once we get back. But I think...I don't have an answer, really. I get it. When you feel like you failed everyone, you probably don't want to be around those people very much. And like I told you, everything with him and Jake is awkward and even moreso since Jake has issues too, I guess. So you're the next on Dirk's list of people, and if isolation means being desperate for anything solid then...[A shrug.]
Both of you sometimes suck at communicating. Must be a Strider thing. [A half-hearted teasing grin.] But it comes back to that whole weird thing where they think we're heroes and we're just...us. I just wonder if Dirk knows what limits are when it comes to trying to make something work. It's not like you know when to give shit a rest when you're really stubborn about it, too.
[There's a short pause before he looks away.] Maybe he just doesn't understand why the hell this would be weird on the flipside.
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[ every word makes him a bigger hypocrite...rest in pieces. dave kind of wants to reach out but he never knows how to, so he just locks his arms around the knee he isn't kneeling on. ]
I know. I know that he thinks of me like - I know he never had a family. [ dave never did either, not one who loved him or whom he loved without reserve, not until rose. ] I know he grew up on pieces of a guy who shared my name and face and probably some other shit. He did SBaHJ stuff? Dirk has a fuckin' tattoo - but I know. I know it's...I know it's weird and I know there are reasons why he's so...himself about this, I just...
[ the things he has never said, will maybe never say. ]
...it's just...difficult. I don't know how to handle him. I know I'm doin' it wrong, but every time I'm around him I just want to run away. The best time was literally when you were there, 'cause at least that was - [ safe ] - less awkward. I don't know how to try right. I don't know how to not make him do...things like erase his own memories 'cause I can't do it right, the whole Strider family thing.
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So instead he's up against the wall and he's staring at a point on Dave's knee instead of at his face while he digests the rest.]
Movies. He made SBaHJ movies that were kind of a huge thing. [He shakes his head before there's a very quiet sigh.] What would even be the right way to handle this shit? It's not like anybody left us a playbook on all of this right next to my ectobiologist suit or anything. I. [...there's a pause, awkward and uncertain for a moment.] I can't always be there. Neither can Rose. And I can't stop things from colliding again like they did by explaining this to Dirk because that's not really my place either? You're my best friend and it's stupid for me or Rose or anybody else to tell other people stuff you tell us.
[He can only assume that Dave's probably told Rose. The importance of Rose Lalonde has never been lost on him. Not after what Dave did for Rose. Not after the two of them went down together for each other.]
I think...he's less awkward with me because I'm the furthest point of contact. So I mean. Maybe I can figure this out, but I know you don't know how to handle it. That was pretty obvious. I told you that days ago and it's still true. I think maybe he would do stuff like that even if you were not in the picture. I still can't figure out the stuff with him and Jake, and Dirk and I have talked enough times that I think I can sort of figure him out but it's not as easy as talking to you or Rose. And it probably never will be. So...if I don't get to blame myself, I'm not really sure you should get to either. But I also am not sure what to do. [He's waiting for permission, maybe. Maybe that's it? A sign from Dave that he can take some of the burden and fix things here. He had wanted to fix things back then and then the Strilondes took the Tumor and ran. He's slightly alarmed that DAve is even telling him this, but he knows better, aware that this is what it means to be friends with someone and be as supportive as possible. At the same time, he has to wonder if this is enough. If this keeps happening and hurting them both. Is it enough? Is it even his place to fix this, too? What falls in his domain of fixing anymore, anyway? Fuck.]
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he doesn't mention blame again. if john doesn't want to talk about it they won't talk about it. he knows if he says "i don't want to talk about dirk" they won't talk about dirk, but the more important factor here is "i don't want you to give my issue with dirk enough thought to find the truth". so there has to be some kind of truth beyond the Truth to find. ]
And I know you can't always be there. [ they lived for three years without john, and rose wasn't always there either; she was drunk, or busy, or - not around. dave relies on them but he is used to not having them there, too. in any other situation he'd pull in and not say a word, but bro has always been his biggest weakness. it has never been in a good way. ] I have to learn to handle it on my own. I just need...time. Or - I don't know. The whole trainin' idea, we stopped that, and there isn't really a thing I want to do with him that'd get me used to him. I'm willin' to do shit I don't want to do but he doesn't want that, so it's sort of, like, checkmate? I'm doin' it wrong because I can't make myself want what he wants, and if I had the dude never would have messed with his own memories. If he'd fucked that up, it would've been on me.
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As a leader, isn't he supposed to know how to handle his team and back up their weaknesses? What the fuck happens when that can't happen?]
I think you might mean stalemate, but sure. Okay. I know. I know you know all of this and just. [It's frustrating. He's not mad at Dave and he's not mad at Dirk but the whole thing is frustrating and annoying.] Explain something to me. How exactly is it wrong to not force yourself to do something you don't really want to do? [There's a point, but he's curious to what Dave will say.]
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his entire life, really.
it's wrong because it goes against every instinct instilled in him from birth on. but dave's aware it shouldn't be wrong, or isn't wrong in the egbertian point of view, the one that currently matters.
accordingly, he picks a different truth. ]
In this case, I'd say it's wrong because not doin' it or compromisin' is causing someone else to hurt themselves. Allowing that to happen, knowingly, ain't really the mark of a great person, John.
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dave laughs, a little awkward. ]
Dude. I think we got a little off track. All I wanted to do was check that I wasn't...bein' overdramatic about freakin' out about the one thing, a little.
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[But okay. He's busy pushing past the heaviness of the topic, swimming upward against the current to break the surface and bring things back to normal.]
You've always been much cooler when you aren't so worried about what your Bro was doing or what he was thinking and you were thinking about stuff on your own. Why the fuck is this any different? [Cooler isn't the word he wants, but it's purposeful and a callback to a once upon a time conversation. The first mark of how close they were. Dave has always been Dave, but Dave has always been a better version of himself in the few times he did his own thing. Why is this different? Why are they going backwards?]
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[ he drops his chin down onto his knee, pulling his leg tighter to his chest and eyeing john speculatively. ]
You know, what would really help would be if you went on and on about all my cool qualities. It has been forever since you complimented me properly.
[ ok. he's not being serious any longer, apparently. ]
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...it's strange, because from his stance he sort of looks like a little kid on the defense. But that's silly. So instead there a heavy, overdramatic sigh as he tilts his head back to stare at the ceiling. Okay. They can resume being light and casual now. It's still something sitting at the base of his skull, but he can roll with it.]
Is this the part where I say that you're attractive and I'm attracted to you again and it's no wonder that everyone trips over their feet for a chance to be noticed by the cool kid? [There's a hint of a grin anyway. Even if that part is a complete joke, he seems to actually be taking this seriously.] Your art skills are actually getting better, dude. I really hope we get to go to a world with better technology because then maybe I can find a keyboard and you can find turntables and we can show the rest of the coven your sick beats. And I think I was promised a better movie education? I'll even take notes this time.
[A pause.] It's probably stupid, but I've spent pretty much every day for the last six years really, really excited for the first day I would get to meet you guys and hang out in person. It's probably stupider that I'm not sure when that excitement will wear off. I guess that's just because you are definitely so cool. [It's a joking note at the end, too, but still weirdly sincere.]
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he didn't expect actual compliments. maybe at most the stupid joke ones, the "you're attractive, i'm attracted to you" part followed by "jk " and a dorky as shit laugh, not, like, real stuff.
dave didn't expect the admittance that john had been waiting every day to meet him. and rose and jade, always all three of them, but no matter how secure dave is in the knowledge his friends care, he's never quite sure it's as much as he does, desperately.
so it hits like a punch to the gut and he gets flustered, his expression not changing but his skin going a little red behind the freckles. what the fuck. john egbert shouldn't be allowed to say words. as usual, dave falls back on humor and fast talking to cover for himself, not even thinking about anything he says. ]
It's ok, no one could blame you for bein' super attracted to me, because everyone definitely does trip over their feet tryin' to get my attention. Better be careful about who you flash your VIP pass for, or the unwashed masses may try to fight you for it? Those movie education lessons could inspire murder if people knew you were gettin' them and not them, bro. Watch your back. I'd hate to have to replace you at this point, the auditions would be insane? "Do you contestant 413 have a weird obsession with the ghostbusters? Can you spell Mcwhatever?? No??? Disqualified".
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God, you wish. [Ah, there we go, and there's a large playful grin even as Dave continues to be Dave.] Anyway as your best bro I am pretty sure I get special treatment with or without VIP status. Also my replacement would have to have at least passing knowledge of the Ghostbusters MMO. Good luck with that.
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Dude, why. Why did you remind me that's a thing? I already couldn't believe it was a thing you enthusiastically bought - or a thing that existed - back when you got on and waxed poetic rhapsodies about it, I still can't believe it to this day?
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I only bought it for a dollar, relax. And besides, Jade and Dave Sprite played it with me on the ship, too, so therefore at least one version of you also played the shitty game while Jade made a furrybuster.
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[ DAVE SAYS, LIKE HE WOULDN'T COMPLETELY PLAY THE GAME IF JOHN ASKED bitching about the quality all the while. ]
...You know, sometimes I manage to forget Jade's completely a furry and then I talk to her or people say shit and it's like "yeah no she surfed furaffinity for kicks when we were thirteen, in all seriousness".
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Maybe Jade always knew this would be her destiny. But also it is much harder to forget it when I spent three years watching her growl and chase Rose's sprite while also being able to smell me if I wasn't the breeze. I think she's pretty used to it by now though.
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Also I am not sure how I feel about Jade bein' able to smell us other than assumin' y'all got very meticulous about deodorant.
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[He reaches forward to kick lightly with his foot.] Shut up, how do you think she was following me around? Dogs have very sensitive noses.
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[ why did he claim he liked eau d'egbert or whatever. ]
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[There's a pause.] ...if you want, we can get an early start on training or something. I'm not busy.
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[ YOU'RE WELCOME,,, also this reminds me we never actually did them doing their first training session. they made doreos and we forgot??? i think? ]
Sure. [ dave will sling himself up and onto his feet. ] I'm obviously not busy, either, so.
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Let's head further down the beach away from the huts then just in case anybody gets the bright idea to hang out outside. I don't think we want anybody in the way.
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