[Like. It's late, so of course that's his immediate question. Why is John awake? Probably because his stupid cat-like best friend doesn't sleep either and he's used to this now.]
[Madoka's almost always too polite to message people this late at night, so the fact that she did might also be a pretty good clue. she's. not really in a great place right now.]
[she doesn't mean to be vague. she just doesn't know how to say it — she doesn't even know how to type it. how does she tell John, someone she considers one of her best friends here, that she's not who he thought she was?]
If you found out that you've been changed in a bad way, but that way still really helped people
And if you had the chance to go back to what you were
[...oh. There's a long, long pause as he thinks this over because that is a very large question. He's curious what happened that caused her to ask something like this, and it's why he doesn't answer immediately.
That, and it's a hard question anyway.]
i think that depends on how bad is bad and how much it helped people. and if going back would undo what happened to help those people. let me ask you something else. in this case, is there another way to help those people without something bad happening to you? me? sorry, i don't know if you want me to use you or me in this hypothetical situation. but the question is the same either way.
[Part of him thinks that maybe he should go find her because this is such a stupid thing to do over text. On the other hand, what if she's more comfortable that way? It's a hard decision, and it's why he's hesitant in his reply.]
any decision that could hurt people is always terrible, you're right. but at the same time, a decision that could hurt yourself isn't great either. so...terrible is right. but. there has to be another option. a third option?
[A lingering pause.]
what happened? [What happened that caused her to ask this, he means.]
yeah, of course. i can meet you outside of the house? would that be okay?
[Regardless, he's already on the move to head out that way since Genette brought them all to this place and it's still Different to him. He'll easily change direction to wherever she wants to go though.]
[she'll be waiting for him near the front door, leaning against the wall. she looks disheveled — like she hasn't slept much, if at all, ever since they arrived.]
[and she didn't really want anyone to see her like this, but she can't bear trying to struggle through it on her own anymore. John was, for many reasons, the first person she thought of.]
[It's easy for him to slip away and head for the front door. He wasn't asleep though he's probably dressed for bed given the pajama pants and hoodie, but he's awake and. Floating. Instead of walking.
So maybe sometimes he takes advantage of his powers.
Still, he's quick to approach and touches down the last few inches to the ground before offering a very small smile. Whatever this is, it's not going to be an easy conversation. He knows that.]
So I figure it is like this. [His tone is calm all the same.] We either stay inside and away from everyone else, or we can head up outside where nobody else is. What do you think? [Not that he's specifying where "up" is, but he's also giving her an option.]
[Someday Madoka will realize the terrible truth that John Egbert is by no definition cool. However, he does mean flying and he gestures for the door, even going as far as to open it so they can walk outside.]
Yeah. Me, too. It's not that cold out anyway and it'll be quiet. [Easier to focus and get to the bottom of this. It's only when they're outside that he looks up at the roof of the house they're staying in, considering it for a moment. While he could princess-carry her, somehow that seems insulting and so he mulls over it. It doesn't take long to think of the method he's already used once on this trip, and it's with this thought in mind he turns around and crouches a little.] Jump?
[They're doing this piggy-back style just so they can get them in the air.]
[John would have to do something supremely uncool to change her mind. and even that would likely not be quite enough.]
[Madoka is luckily Tiny, and therefore will be very easy to carry wherever he's thinking of going. once she's settled though, she instinctively rests her head on his shoulder, probably too tired to really realize she's doing it.]
[He doesn't seem to mind, given all he's doing is making sure she's balanced and that he's holding onto her before carefully kicking up in the air. He doesn't doubt she'll keep a good grip and though he doesn't rocket up the way he knows he can the speed they elevate is just enough to be noticeable without jarring her.]
It's okay. Remember what I said the first day we met? Don't forget that. ["Until your friends show up, you can count on us for anything you need." It's still true even now as they're heading up and up straight to the roof of the house. There's a slant in the roof that he's immediately drawn to and one might think he's already checked out this location.] We shouldn't go too far, but this is good, I think. We can fly into the city together tomorrow if you want. I don't think most of us realized how far this place was from there.
[For now though he's just as carefully landing and crouching enough to let her slide off, making sure she's balanced before settling to have a seat and scooting over so she can join him.]
[Madoka nods at his offer, and she's even able to find a smile from somewhere, as she settles herself down next to him. she doesn't have to do this alone, does she? somewhere in the midst of her horror at herself, Madoka forgot that - she just hadn't wanted anyone to worry about her.]
[she takes a deep breath, lifting her gaze to the sky for a moment. then ... she summons her Soul Gem in her hand, its gentle pink glow illuminating her face, and dancing on the roof around them.]
I ... found out something about this. Something I didn't know about back home.
[This is what he can do for her, at least. Even if he can't fix things here (or at home just yet) he can be supportive like he always has. He can listen and at least try. He doesn't know her very well yet, not the way he does his other friends, but he thinks highly of her and knows her well enough by now to understand that this is something that's hard for her and unusual for her to respond to. Seeing her like this, quiet and closed off, is also unusual.
So. He says nothing. He says nothing and he looks at the sky as well, watching the waves in the ocean above them while he gives her time to collect her thoughts. It's only when the Soul Gem appears that he turns his head, eyeing the pink power source cautiously.]
...oh? [What on earth could she have actually found out? They've only been here for, like, a day.] As much as I want to know how you found out, I think maybe the "what" is the first question. What did you find out?
[it's been a hell of a day. whatever bravery she was holding onto when she first started talking dissolves nearly instantly, and behind it is a steady stream of tears.]
I'm ... [give her a minute.]
... When I made this contract, we didn't know what that really meant ... that Kyubey was ripping out our souls and putting them in - [she closes her fist around her Soul Gem, though she can't conceal the glow, and brings her other hand to her face as if in pain. can she even tell where it's coming from? is her body actually feeling pain, or is it just the gem in her hand causing it? filling in the blanks for her? Madoka couldn't begin to guess.]
I wanted this magic so I could help other people ... But nobody told me where it actually comes from - every time I use it, I'm ... I'm destroying myself.
[That was and wasn't expected, and so though his eyes are wide with surprise at the sudden appearance of tears he still says nothing even as he subtly shifts. It's a natural movement of shifting to pull her into his side and tentatively drape an arm over her shoulder. This is okay, right? Truthfully he's just doing what he would do for any of his friends if they were as distraught.
The more surprising part is what she actually says and the words seem to hang in the air. A creature that granted a wish for the price of your soul. Wasn't there a story like that? Maybe it doesn't matter, what matters is the fact that she was lied to and made into something sacrificial without the context. A part of someone else's game without the rules being set.]
A literal soul gem. [It's a quiet murmur and he can't help but stare at the gem in her hand. Even when her other hand comes up he tightens the grip around her shoulders and allows himself to think.] Every time you use your gem to transform then. A piece of your soul...? ["Disappears?"] And that's why the question. Some bad happening even though it's helping a lot of people.
[What the fuck. Why is it the good people who always get hurt?] How did you find out? Maybe...maybe there's something else to it.
[she doesn't mind. if anything, she feels a bit relieved, and leans against him — comforted enough, at least, to keep talking.]
We tested it. [Madoka opens her hand again, the Soul Gem lying flat on her palm.]
If I'm separated from this, after a certain distance this body just ... stops. [because "this body" isn't really Madoka anymore, is it? Madoka is the clouded pink swirling around gently in the Soul Gem.]
[she shakes her head.]
Dirk-san said he might be able to help. [she doesn't really have a choice, if she's going to use her magic here without killing herself. there is no solution to expending magic and corrupting Soul Gems here like there is back home.]
He said ... one day he could put everything back the way it's supposed to be. But ... [one would think that would be something to cheer her up, but for some reason she hasn't explained, it just makes her feel worse.]
[Even before she explains in full, he seems to understand "We tested it." There's only one person he knows here who can actually test matters of the heart and soul. (...well, there's Sorey, but somehow he doesn't think that's right either.)
It's only when she says his name that his suspicions are confirmed and he bites the inside of his cheek. Of course Dirk would be able to sense something like that. It's not his place to say that he's not sure Dirk can put everything back the way it's supposed to be, though it has very little to do with Dirk himself. They're all still learning to juggle their aspects in different ways, but even that, too, isn't what he's thinking. So instead, he focuses on filling in the blanks.]
But if he puts everything back the way it's supposed to be, you'll no longer be a magical girl and you can't help people the way you've been helping them. The contract will be broken. [He frowns lightly because that is an absolutely shitty position to put someone in.] And that's what you're worried about, isn't it?
Edited (I hit enter too soon bc I clicked the wrong thing whoops) 2017-07-25 16:03 (UTC)
[if Dirk can't undo the corruption in her Soul Gem, and if she can't find another solution, then her fate is sealed. she'll fight for as long as her soul remains pure, and then she'll be gone. that's always been a magical girl's fate, after all, whether the rules have been bent or not.]
[but that's not even close to the top of the list of Madoka's concerns right now — and John's hit her thoughts right on the nose.]
I made a promise ... I can't back away from it, no matter how much it scares me. I can't — I can't face everybody who's been fighting for so long, if I just run away from this like a coward...
[He isn't even touching the "what if" yet. He doesn't know what to say about that and part of him wonders if he needs to talk to Dirk himself and get his thoughts on the matter. John isn't the Heart player so it's out of his domain of understanding. But he does understand what else she's saying.
He more than understands needing to move forward with something to save everyone, even if it scares him.]
Hey. [It's just a firm word to draw her to a stop before he shifts to look at her.] Being scared and running away are not the same thing. [And part of him thinks about how things went at home, too.] I really do not think your friends would blame you for being afraid of what this means when it sounds like Kyubey tricked all of you.
[...maybe he shouldn't ask this of her, but her answer will change his own response.] If you knew...if Kyubey approached you the first time and told you that your power would come from your soul, but that you would still be helping people by fighting the Nightmares, would you still have done it?
[deep down, Madoka knows — she's certain — that her friends would support her no matter what she chose to do. maybe ... it's more that she's not sure if she wouldn't blame herself.]
[but she seems almost startled by that question. give her a minute to think it over.]
I think ... I think if others were really hurting, and there was really something I could do to help ... then I would have done it.
[It's the answer he sort of knew that she would give. It's an answer he's all too familiar with and he thinks of other people who are just as self-sacrificing. Martyrs who were thrust into things without permission and have just accepted their fate.]
...someone very smart once told me something about how things work. [His words are careful then.] He said: "the thing about how things are "supposed to go" is that they're not always good, and they dont always have happy endings. A lot of deadend timelines had better things happen in them. More people survive or some different, better choices were made. But by the rules, those things did not count because they weren't how things were supposed to go."
And I think, maybe, because of your answer...you know that. Instinctually, I mean. Even knowing what you know now, you just said that you would still do it because you want to help. Because that is how things are supposed to go. But I also do not think this is the end. That's the thing about time and fate? It sounds very scary when you only know parts of it, but there's still the end to meet. So...I think there is still time and a way to find a solution. There has to be a third option outside of letting this happen to you and not letting it happen at all.
It may just need to be something unexpected. "Something that works outside of things." [That part wasn't supposed to be directly quoted, but it is something he has given thought to for some time.]
Dirk is still new to his aspect, but I don't think that will stop him from trying to find an answer. Just like I do not think you will stop being a magical girl who wants to help. And just like I think you will not stop being yourself just because your soul isn't in your body. It's. Still yours, isn't it? It's still in your hands. [Like...literally.] It is still yours to decide what to do with, and I know you want to help but don't forget there are people that will help you, too. No matter what you decide.
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[Like. It's late, so of course that's his immediate question. Why is John awake? Probably because his stupid cat-like best friend doesn't sleep either and he's used to this now.]
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I was hoping you could give me some advice?
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i can definitely try. i mean, like, i will do my best but.
okay you know what, forget i said that. yes, i can.
what's going on?
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If you found out that you've been changed in a bad way, but that way still really helped people
And if you had the chance to go back to what you were
Would you do it?
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That, and it's a hard question anyway.]
i think that depends on how bad is bad and how much it helped people.
and if going back would undo what happened to help those people.
let me ask you something else. in this case, is there another way to help those people without something bad happening to you? me?
sorry, i don't know if you want me to use you or me in this hypothetical situation. but the question is the same either way.
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[and, again, five minutes later:]
I don't know
I think any option would be too terrible to choose
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any decision that could hurt people is always terrible, you're right.
but at the same time, a decision that could hurt yourself isn't great either.
so...terrible is right.
but. there has to be another option. a third option?
[A lingering pause.]
what happened? [What happened that caused her to ask this, he means.]
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Is it okay if I come talk to you?
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yeah, of course. i can meet you outside of the house? would that be okay?
[Regardless, he's already on the move to head out that way since Genette brought them all to this place and it's still Different to him. He'll easily change direction to wherever she wants to go though.]
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Thank you ... I'll see you in a minute.
[she'll be waiting for him near the front door, leaning against the wall. she looks disheveled — like she hasn't slept much, if at all, ever since they arrived.]
[and she didn't really want anyone to see her like this, but she can't bear trying to struggle through it on her own anymore. John was, for many reasons, the first person she thought of.]
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So maybe sometimes he takes advantage of his powers.
Still, he's quick to approach and touches down the last few inches to the ground before offering a very small smile. Whatever this is, it's not going to be an easy conversation. He knows that.]
So I figure it is like this. [His tone is calm all the same.] We either stay inside and away from everyone else, or we can head up outside where nobody else is. What do you think? [Not that he's specifying where "up" is, but he's also giving her an option.]
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[and her curiosity, likewise, is just as resilient. does he really mean flying? she hasn't really seen his god-tier powers before, after all.]
... I think heading up would be nice.
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Yeah. Me, too. It's not that cold out anyway and it'll be quiet. [Easier to focus and get to the bottom of this. It's only when they're outside that he looks up at the roof of the house they're staying in, considering it for a moment. While he could princess-carry her, somehow that seems insulting and so he mulls over it. It doesn't take long to think of the method he's already used once on this trip, and it's with this thought in mind he turns around and crouches a little.] Jump?
[They're doing this piggy-back style just so they can get them in the air.]
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[Madoka is luckily Tiny, and therefore will be very easy to carry wherever he's thinking of going. once she's settled though, she instinctively rests her head on his shoulder, probably too tired to really realize she's doing it.]
Thank you, John-san ... for coming to talk to me.
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It's okay. Remember what I said the first day we met? Don't forget that. ["Until your friends show up, you can count on us for anything you need." It's still true even now as they're heading up and up straight to the roof of the house. There's a slant in the roof that he's immediately drawn to and one might think he's already checked out this location.] We shouldn't go too far, but this is good, I think. We can fly into the city together tomorrow if you want. I don't think most of us realized how far this place was from there.
[For now though he's just as carefully landing and crouching enough to let her slide off, making sure she's balanced before settling to have a seat and scooting over so she can join him.]
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[she takes a deep breath, lifting her gaze to the sky for a moment. then ... she summons her Soul Gem in her hand, its gentle pink glow illuminating her face, and dancing on the roof around them.]
I ... found out something about this. Something I didn't know about back home.
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So. He says nothing. He says nothing and he looks at the sky as well, watching the waves in the ocean above them while he gives her time to collect her thoughts. It's only when the Soul Gem appears that he turns his head, eyeing the pink power source cautiously.]
...oh? [What on earth could she have actually found out? They've only been here for, like, a day.] As much as I want to know how you found out, I think maybe the "what" is the first question. What did you find out?
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I'm ... [give her a minute.]
... When I made this contract, we didn't know what that really meant ... that Kyubey was ripping out our souls and putting them in - [she closes her fist around her Soul Gem, though she can't conceal the glow, and brings her other hand to her face as if in pain. can she even tell where it's coming from? is her body actually feeling pain, or is it just the gem in her hand causing it? filling in the blanks for her? Madoka couldn't begin to guess.]
I wanted this magic so I could help other people ... But nobody told me where it actually comes from - every time I use it, I'm ... I'm destroying myself.
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The more surprising part is what she actually says and the words seem to hang in the air. A creature that granted a wish for the price of your soul. Wasn't there a story like that? Maybe it doesn't matter, what matters is the fact that she was lied to and made into something sacrificial without the context. A part of someone else's game without the rules being set.]
A literal soul gem. [It's a quiet murmur and he can't help but stare at the gem in her hand. Even when her other hand comes up he tightens the grip around her shoulders and allows himself to think.] Every time you use your gem to transform then. A piece of your soul...? ["Disappears?"] And that's why the question. Some bad happening even though it's helping a lot of people.
[What the fuck. Why is it the good people who always get hurt?] How did you find out? Maybe...maybe there's something else to it.
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We tested it. [Madoka opens her hand again, the Soul Gem lying flat on her palm.]
If I'm separated from this, after a certain distance this body just ... stops. [because "this body" isn't really Madoka anymore, is it? Madoka is the clouded pink swirling around gently in the Soul Gem.]
[she shakes her head.]
Dirk-san said he might be able to help. [she doesn't really have a choice, if she's going to use her magic here without killing herself. there is no solution to expending magic and corrupting Soul Gems here like there is back home.]
He said ... one day he could put everything back the way it's supposed to be. But ... [one would think that would be something to cheer her up, but for some reason she hasn't explained, it just makes her feel worse.]
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It's only when she says his name that his suspicions are confirmed and he bites the inside of his cheek. Of course Dirk would be able to sense something like that. It's not his place to say that he's not sure Dirk can put everything back the way it's supposed to be, though it has very little to do with Dirk himself. They're all still learning to juggle their aspects in different ways, but even that, too, isn't what he's thinking. So instead, he focuses on filling in the blanks.]
But if he puts everything back the way it's supposed to be, you'll no longer be a magical girl and you can't help people the way you've been helping them. The contract will be broken. [He frowns lightly because that is an absolutely shitty position to put someone in.] And that's what you're worried about, isn't it?
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[but that's not even close to the top of the list of Madoka's concerns right now — and John's hit her thoughts right on the nose.]
I made a promise ... I can't back away from it, no matter how much it scares me. I can't — I can't face everybody who's been fighting for so long, if I just run away from this like a coward...
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He more than understands needing to move forward with something to save everyone, even if it scares him.]
Hey. [It's just a firm word to draw her to a stop before he shifts to look at her.] Being scared and running away are not the same thing. [And part of him thinks about how things went at home, too.] I really do not think your friends would blame you for being afraid of what this means when it sounds like Kyubey tricked all of you.
[...maybe he shouldn't ask this of her, but her answer will change his own response.] If you knew...if Kyubey approached you the first time and told you that your power would come from your soul, but that you would still be helping people by fighting the Nightmares, would you still have done it?
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[but she seems almost startled by that question. give her a minute to think it over.]
I think ... I think if others were really hurting, and there was really something I could do to help ... then I would have done it.
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...someone very smart once told me something about how things work. [His words are careful then.] He said: "the thing about how things are "supposed to go" is that they're not always good, and they dont always have happy endings. A lot of deadend timelines had better things happen in them. More people survive or some different, better choices were made. But by the rules, those things did not count because they weren't how things were supposed to go."
And I think, maybe, because of your answer...you know that. Instinctually, I mean. Even knowing what you know now, you just said that you would still do it because you want to help. Because that is how things are supposed to go. But I also do not think this is the end. That's the thing about time and fate? It sounds very scary when you only know parts of it, but there's still the end to meet. So...I think there is still time and a way to find a solution. There has to be a third option outside of letting this happen to you and not letting it happen at all.
It may just need to be something unexpected. "Something that works outside of things." [That part wasn't supposed to be directly quoted, but it is something he has given thought to for some time.]
Dirk is still new to his aspect, but I don't think that will stop him from trying to find an answer. Just like I do not think you will stop being a magical girl who wants to help. And just like I think you will not stop being yourself just because your soul isn't in your body. It's. Still yours, isn't it? It's still in your hands. [Like...literally.] It is still yours to decide what to do with, and I know you want to help but don't forget there are people that will help you, too. No matter what you decide.
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