windeity | RECOLLÉ INBOX 2.0

[ well that's an actual terrifying blow to the gut and for seventeen seconds dave just doesn't breathe at all. he freezes in place and there's that moment of absolute sheer terror at losing one of the others; it's not acceptable but it's always so heartbreakingly possible.

breathe. right.

what do you want springs to mind but john just said he doesn't want whatever he wants which means. what? dave should pick things at random to say no to? he should stand his ground and argue that he just doesn't want to be involved in any of this, even if it hurts everyone else? he should...

he should figure out what the fuck trying means if it doesn't mean keeping other people happy, because dave doesn't see the point in caring about the fallout in regards to himself at this point. that's a lost cause he is so fucking sick of fighting. ]

...Maybe it's not.

[ still the fuckup, kiddo. still the one who stares down at your brother's body and can't even work up a single solitary shred of sadness, feeling all the wrong things at all the wrong times. still can't measure up to anyone else. ]

I'll try to be better. [ he leaves out the apology for not being who john wants or needs because he already got yelled at once for that today and really, is this so bad? he just has to learn what obscure outcome nets a positive response here without a clue how to proceed. he spent thirteen years doing that in his past life. this should be child's play in comparison.

so...don't give john what he wants or you're not playing along. fine. right. ]

I don't want to talk to you about personal things from back then. [ he just picks the least offensive defensible position and decides to stick to that as some kind of proof he's trying...whatever he's supposed to be trying. but john said balance, right, so dave goes with a flat out lie in a softly earnest voice: ] But it's a good idea, just tellin' you about the game and letting you tell them. It'd work. I'm less against that than the other shit, so it's not a bad call to make, when you wanna. I could make that work easier, I wouldn't need to like, be there. That's the only part that's difficult. It's not like I wasn't tellin' you this shit already, so...it's just that I don't...get along with certain people right now. It'd have gone fine otherwise. It was stupid.

[ there is absolutely no part of himself he won't kill and nothing he won't lie about in order to avoid hearing the words that's not how friendship works from john egbert ever again. ]

[...the absolutely most horrifying part of that all is the fact that for seventeen seconds Dave doesn't breathe and John can tell. Dave probably won't understand why John's giving him a startled look and why there's panic written in his features because what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.

That's never happened before, and he briefly wonders what caused it, how many other times this has happened, how to make sure that isn't a thing that happens again and why this is so hard to fix. Maybe it's not about fixing and he hears everything Dave says and while those words would have worked and he absolutely would believe them, he's too startled and unnerved.

Still. Even still he believes him because sure, maybe Dave lies sometimes but would he lie about this?

Idly, he thinks if he had those timeline-hopping powers he knows he's capable of he could go back and make sure all of this went differently. He doesn't look over again and instead he bites on his lower lip while he nods.]

Okay. [Again, no specification what "okay" means.] You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. And we can talk about the game later. I think we all just need a chance to cool off and try again later. [Maybe.]

[ joke's on john dave's definitely done that before to prevent himself from freaking out visibly and he isn't aware he can get called out on it now. his expression is extremely calm and settled and he's tapped into the part of himself that had to make sure not to give bro an inch and every ounce of acting skill he has, which is

stupid

but he'd rather live his life unhappy and ill at ease than not be friends. the former he did anyway for thirteen (sixteen, twenty-one...) years. the latter is absolutely terrifying and if john decides friendship means dave has to do something different, whatever, they'll do that. the argument didn't really work when ami gave it but john is different. ]

Sure. I can try to do the meeting thing again if you think we should, or I can just give you a rundown later so you can go do that. [ he tries for a smile and it looks passably genuine and dave registers and ignores the fact that he misses yuri again because there's no one left to run away to when he wants to be anywhere other than where he is. he thinks about carmen's big house and wonders about the guy who gave it to her. there's some wise old guy in japan, maybe, who knows about things like spaces closing in to choke you to death, and dave kind of wants to talk to him. ] You should probably go to sleep. Class is still a thing.

[Dave's probably lucky that John's not going to call him out tonight. Instead, he stares at his hands versus the screen and he sees Dave's smile and as much as he appreciates the effort all he can think of is "why."

But Dave's trying which is exactly what John asked and the whole thing is his own mess because they're two people who don't know how the fuck to communicate. So, instead, he avoids all topics of home and meetings and focuses on what else Dave says.]

...I'm not gonna go. [Maybe it sounds like "to sleep" but no it's absolutely "to class."] But if you want to go to bed or turn off the lights that is also fine.

To sleep, or to class? [ - although he probably doesn't have a right to ask about either because it occurs to dave that john's been cagey about a lot of the shit he's been working on recently and maybe that's because dave isn't doing friendship right, too, and he wonders exactly how close he is to losing everything.

he backtracks. ] Never mind, not my business.

[ and he just. gives no indication of what he's doing next as he turns back to his computer and thinks for a second and logs in to the flower shop's website to find schedules. maybe he can apply for. even more shifts. god. ]

[...hahahahahahaha.

Hah.

God. He doesn't reply and instead he finally gets up, staring at his shoes like he's debating walking back out of the room before toeing them off and curling up on his own bed. He's not going to force Dave to join him, but he's not sure how to convey it's fine if he wants to without coercing Dave into a thing he doesn't want just because he thinks John wants it.

His life's stupid. Everything about this is stupid?

And the thing about it is if he thinks about it, it makes sense why he's been so adamant about defending Dave, why he's willing to bend over backwards and make things right, why he's so easily frustrated lately, why he's keeping things from him...it all makes sense and it's a reality he's still more than happy to shy away from. His eyes are half-open and he stares into space, unsure of what to really say.]

...Dave? [Maybe it's. Worth trying to explain? That wouldn't go poorly, maybe.]

[ look, working himself to distraction is a foolproof method of keeping busy, but even so dave just kind of glances back towards john when he speaks, uncertain what's up but assuming john either made his decision for sure or...

whatever?? ]

Yeah, John?

[Cool. Great. Now all he has to do is open his mouth and say it. "Dave, I have been acting completely crazy because..."

...nope.]

Do you still want me to come with you Saturday?

Did you...not want to, now?

[ lmao fuck. are they not doing saturdays now??? there's no indication of distress aside from a slight hitch of his breath, imperceptible at a glance. just mild neutral confusion. ]

[Jesus. Why can he pick that up too?]

No! [And he's quickly sitting up.] No, that's not what I meant. I just...wasn't sure? If that was still okay. Since it is a personal thing. I want to I don't--[AHHHHH.] Yes. I still want to but I want to make sure you are okay with it still. That's all.

[ he shrugs and doesn't really give his actual answer: he'd kind of wanted john to come along to start with, he just hadn't asked and hadn't indicated the truth one way or the other since he'd figured it was up to john. ]

It's not personal from back then. [ although probably he's admittedly going to be cagier while he's uncertain about how much john is or isn't going to keep things he says to himself, either by accident or on purpose. ] I wouldn't share anything he told me in confidence I didn't get an okay to, anyway, if he tells me anything.

[Why the fuck, Dave. But okay that's fair. He nods in reply because that's understandable and he'll just have to adjust his own line of thinking. That's fine. At least until he understands what he's doing.]

Makes sense. [There's a pause.] ...my head hurts, so if it still hurts in the morning I am skipping my morning classes. [To go back and answer Dave's initial question.]

[ okay there's. no way that isn't his fault. cool. but there's less guilt and more concern in his initial reaction: ]

Do you want me to get you an aspirin and some water?

[There's a protest already set to come out of his mouth but then he vaguely remembers Dave's response the last time John did this for himself when he was drunk. So...there's a minute nod. It's only partially Dave's fault, but he's not going to say anything about that either.]

Yeah, if you don't mind...? [How Does Dave Strider Work: a novel by John Egbert.]

[ he doesn't, and he doesn't...bother...capping his speed. he's tired and it's a fucking pain in the ass and usually even in the room dave does, unless he's alone. he moves slow and measured and only a little human fast, unless he's dodging. but this time he just hops up from his chair and it's a blur of movement and displaced air before he's at john's bedside setting down the cup of water and two pills. ]

[There's a sudden blink and a jerk of his head in surprise when Dave suddenly appears in his line of vision and sets down both water and medicine.]

Jesus. Your speed never stops being impressive. [And startling. But whatever. He'll just shut the fuck up and take both pills and water, ignoring the way he can tell which way Dave moved based on the shift in the air.

So that's fine.] Thanks. [...what to say next...?]

No problem. [ he'd hovered nearby to check john was taking the pills, but after that he'll start to drift back towards his computer chair, so. ]

I'll kill the lights in a bit so you can sleep easier.

[He's still sitting up and watching him though because where are you going why this.]

Are you just not sleeping tonight then?

...Dunno? [ that's. so vague. like that's his plan but he can not sleep...in the dark... ] Might hang with Mewpac for a bit, I missed her.

Oh. [That's not unusual, of course the cat wins.] Okay. Just come to bed when you're ready?

[Wait, no, fuck.] If you want. Or go to bed whenever? Whichever. [What if he just remembers he's an idiot, rolls over and buries his embarrassed stupid ass into his pillow. What if.]

Wh - [ he wants to ask what john wants, if anything, but he's locked out of that because john wants him to not do that, fuck.

it means he's pretty much going to stall out and stay over on his side of the room, uncertain if that was or wasn't a request and if john does or doesn't want him over there or if he only said that out of habit and then tried to back out because he did not, in fact, want dave over there, or -

ok this is stupid the plan of never sleeping again is looking better every second ]

I...goodnight, John. [ there we go that's safe enough, no opinion he has to think of but just a simple statement. as promised he'll shut down his computer pretty quickly and kill the lights before going to. sit on his bed with the cat probably in the dark unless john has anything else to add. ]

[No. John has absolutely nothing to add since Dave made his decision and John has to fucking deal with it, so after a few beats when the lights go out and Dave's on his bed with Mewpac, John rolls so his back is facing that side of the room and willing himself to fall asleep instead.]

[ well hey bright side they aren't sharing a bed anymore that's something, probably

anyway dave will probably not sleep that night or. most nights in the forseeable future because crazy catnap schedule in random locations is his true calling card if he's not sharing a bed but he'll be quiet and simply entertain the cat until he fucks off in the morning after feeding the cat, so presumably he won't be too much of a distraction to sleep occurring. ]

[Surprising to pretty much no one, he doesn't sleep well that night. He sleeps a little but it's on and off and not entirely relaxed and it's pretty easy for Dave to feed the cat and then fuck off for the rest of the day seeing how John definitely sleeps through his morning classes.

Cool. Congratulations, morons, you broke your bed-sharing gambit.]

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