JOHN EGBERT
"We came, we saw, we kicked its ass."
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aka
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I have a really hot girlfriend
I have super powers
Things are really good but also i feel very panicky and scared and have been having these constant nightmares
And it makes it hard to enjoy all of the good stuff that's going on
I got a bad memory when i was in hell and i haven't had the heart to actually talk to anyone about it and i think its slowly destroying me
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Yeah, typical. He'll just let that sit for a moment while he reads it and eventually he texts back.]
oh.
nightmares definitely suck.
well...do you want to actually talk about it...?
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because you'd get it
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hit me.
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yeah, that does suck.
what happened?
cw: suicide
like....
on purpose....
: /
Re: cw: suicide
any idea why?
i know it is maybe hard to think but just wondering.
Re: cw: suicide
I dont really know what was going on but i think it was the only way
I was crying and i apologized to my little brother for being such a terrible sister
and then i hit the ground
did it freak you out the first time you remembered dying?
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i'm sorry. remembering your own death is always pretty hard. especially if you do not remember.
of course it freaked me out, but it was more the first time I remembered it was the aftermath than the act.
second time was the act.
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that sucks
did you have nightmares too?
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pretty sure my old life was full of nightmare fuel.
you remembered when we were all out of the city?
how've you been hiding it this long?
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and i didnt wanna freak out her out right away...and i was so caught up in that whole thing
so I'm figuring, it doesnt matter, its not me, I'm just going to ignore it and keep enjoying all these nice things that keep happening
Its like a wound and its just been left to fester and get gross and infected and i dont want to tell people i keep dreaming of throwing myself off a roof and erupting into horrific storm of blood and bone because that isn't fun for anybody
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but then again i understand not telling her.
there's stuff i haven't told dave either and we're from the place so it is even stupider not to.
but ignoring it never works.
it's not that you have to tell them exactly what the memory is unless you're sure they can handle it. starting off with "hey i remembered something really awful and kind of traumatic, and i could use someone to talk to but i do not want to scare you" is probably a decent start.
...if naoto had those memories and those nightmares, would you want her to tell you?
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this isn't about naoto or telling naoto
I know naoto would be able to handle it, and i know I'll tell her eventually
of course I'd want her to tell me the same, but I'd also understand her not wanting to, at least, right away
my problem isnt sharing this with naoto, its other me, who is kind of normal me, threw herself off a building and its raising a lot of questions about me as a person
i think that i am a lot less "genki" (thats an anime trope look it up) than i play myself up to be
do you remember the awful way i acted in the hospital?
i think that maybe that's the self I'm constantly trying to hide.
for the past two months almost I've been holding in this disturbing sadness and lying to myself about my feelings, my demeanor...
I'm not saying you're like that
but I'm telling you because i know you'll understand
and you've already seen me at my worst, when i was angry and spiteful and wanted to die
you're the only one
sorry that thrust that upon you, but its true
i don't want to talk about naoto or about my relationship, its not about that, it's just about me
i just want to talk to my friend john
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but yeah. i get what you are saying.
it's fine, i understand.
trying to figure out where the difference is between the you from back then and the you now and why the you back then did stuff without context fucking sucks.
so. here is the thing.
how do you feel now when you think about the fact that maybe you are sad instead of trying to lie about it?
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I feel sad, when i think about it
like i pretended so hard that things were better after october and that made it real
but the glass was shattered
and now i feel like
like
um
it wasn't real happiness
I'm happy when I'm with naoto, legitimately
but it makes me realize how false all of my other "happiness" was
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i think even if people think of you as genki or whatever that is an unfair expectation since then you have to be happy all the time and that is way too much pressure for anybody.
i'm not saying you SHOULD be sad all the time. but i am saying that at least recognizing it is something to help work toward maybe figuring out why.
maybe the other you never got the chance to figure it out and felt that was the only way out.
i would rather it not get to that point here.