You didn't even let me try. [It's a harsh whisper almost because he doesn't understand how things work yet. He doesn't understand the timelines or what Time players do and all he knows is that Dave took a sword for him and
oh. He doesn't move when Dave's hand comes up and he stares at him quietly, blinking slowly so he can see his very gray eyes instead.]
...it was just a dream. Things could have been different.
[ it's cool he doesn't realize dave also took a bomb for him at one point and attempted to cut rose out of the action but FAILED, that should be a fun realization. ]
...Not without risking you gettin' hurt. It's not like it hurts less in a dream, dude. At least, not that kind of dream.
[You mean the moment John goes completely ballistic when he remembers? Yeah. Yeeeeeah.]
...what exactly are you talking about? I...that is sort of my point, Dave. It does not seem even close to being fair that you would have to get hurt, too.
[ his voice doesn't raise, but it's more emphatic. he's said enough before to make it clear that there are things waiting to be remembered that are worse than what john knows now, so. he's probably worried about that?
but even if john did remember, dave would have tried to take the fall alone.
he sits up after a second, dropping his hand from where it had been hovering. ]
...As far as dreams go, it was pretty mild. You just...could have gotten hurt.
[He doesn't jolt, exactly, but the response isn't what he expected and before Dave can fully bring his hand away John reaches out to grab it. He doesn't seem quite sure what to do with it after that so he settles for holding it for the time being.]
But I didn't. And you did. And that is still just as bad to me. Even if everything was just a dream and none of it was real I don't....[He takes a breath.] I want to fight next time. I'll get better. I didn't know I had a hammer?
..."were." [There's a shake of his head and he looks away, keeping Dave's hand anyway.] Look I am sorry I am not a god yet, I cannot use my hammer right and I cannot turn into the wind yet. But I know what you are implying.
[If John's not meant to die, Dave implies that he is and that's not a road he wants to travel yet. He knows this was just a dream but it says a lot of how Dave also thinks.] That's not happening. Not again. Okay? Please?
[ it is what he meant. but he didn't mean to make john look like that. ]
...Even if you were the heir, I would have still done the same damn thing, dude. It's - historically speakin', it's the kind of thing I do. I told you if you wanted my life you could take it, but that was maybe a lie. Even if you didn't want it, you kind of get it?
[ john and rose and jade. ]
You're up against a decade or more of knowing you had to live, no matter what.
...the heir. [The heir. The knight. Dave had mentioned--what was it? Classpects. He doesn't quite know what that means but he can guess now.] Historically speaking, you often throw yourself into danger to make sure other people don't die?
[Home suddenly sounds even more fucked up.] Why me? Why do I specifically have to live in a dreamscape?
[ he opens his mouth to say not just anyone but that's. a complete lie.
yeah, he'd throw himself into danger for just about anyone. so.
what's the actual answer? dave's silent for a long moment before he admits it, quietly: ]
Because you're one of the three most important people in the world, okay?
[ and it's not true. not anymore. or it is, but - there are other people who matter, and he knows it. but it's hard to shake that feeling of those three people and them being the only ones who really mattered for so damn long, especially after a dream about his apartment, and bro, and lohac. ]
- I know that's not how it...that's not how it is. I know that. But I can't not do everything I can to keep you safe from...whatever.
[...sometimes he thinks it's easy to be Dave's best friend and slide right back into a life he never knew and doesn't fully remember. Then sometimes, like this, he's at a complete loss what to do and he grows quiet even as his grip on Dave's hand doesn't loosen.]
So let me ask you something. If you are busy taking care of the rest of us and making sure we live, who has your back?
You all did. Do. [ the tense is worse, because he's never sure what to use, or how much he can assume of them. ] I...there are people who would do that, if I asked. Or if they thought I needed it.
[ he wants to say dirk but can't. rose would, but she remembers almost nothing and he's told her only a little. he hasn't told john everything, either. he told dirk, he told yuri, he's hit and miss admitted to certain smaller things, but it's hard to have someone's back when you don't know a single thing about what you need to have their back for.
his free hand reaches up to fiddle with his shades. ]
...There are people who have my back without knowin' it.
...so what can I do right now? [About the nightmares, about whatever Dave's thinking. He doesn't elaborate but there's a lot in his head suddenly. He used to have a role here and a part to play but he doesn't remember it enough.
It's clear here that he thinks Dave needs something though.]
...When I wanted him to know I was dead serious. When I - when I wanted him to know it wasn't a lie.
[ because he actually had to prove that sometimes. ]
When it was too important to risk anything but absolute belief.
[ john still has one of his hands. dave breathes out slowly and with his other stops fiddling with his shades and carefully pulls them off. when he was completely and totally honest and he'd talked about things with dirk that hurt, he'd taken off his shades. yuri had asked him to do the same, just the other month.
it's still a thing that makes him tense up, but he works through that, ignoring the usual intense discomfort from the lack of a barrier to look john dead in the eyes. his eyes are of course not hazel: they're the same vibrant red as his text down to the very hexidecimal code. one-handed he folds the shades up to hook over the collar of his shirt. ]
So. [ so. ] Shut up for a second and...don't interrupt me, okay? [ and he hesitates for a moment, casting around for the right words, before dave gives up and just says whatever comes to mind as usual, soft-voiced and emphatic. he keeps his gaze steady despite the unease. ] You aren't important because we're best friends, or because the game was fucked up, or even because of the life we lived back then. You are, but like - please don't think that you matter to me only because of back then, or that you're...less important, or - less. What I said about not bein' as strong as you were, I didn't - I didn't mean it like that, or I didn't mean you to take it that way. It's true that John Egbert has mattered to me for a pretty fuckin' long time that varies depending on which chronological sequence of events you care to look at, all overlapped in a fucked up way that makes sense to probably no one else in the world.
[ over half a year; since he was ten; since a month and change ago. ]
But you, the you who is here right now, are my best friend - are who I want as my best friend - because of who you are and what you have done. Regardless of whether or not you ever remember why that was true then as well as now, you're responsible for the now, and I don't...want you to misunderstand that. It's...true the reasons are pretty damn similar, because you're still the person who says somethin' other people do not and makes it...okay, and...
[ "you do not have to tell me what you remember. and i will not bring it up unless you want me to tell you what i remember. okay?" ]
Just being you has always constituted havin' my back in ways other people do not. Okay? You...said it was fine not to tell you things. And played the piano for me even though you were givin' it up. And made me a stupid mix tape and gave me and quite possibly twenty other people flowers. And you wanted to stay and fight with me when it was safer to not. And you agreed to write music for literally the most random project ever, and let me drag you wherever, and - [ he trails off, and shrugs. ] You don't have to do anythin' extra here, John. You already help by virtue of existing as yourself. And even if I got the count wrong when I said "one of the three most important people", you're important because you're...you. Now. So...
[ so...right... ]
...So I'm sorry for upsetting you, and for how I said it, and for - I'm sorry. I just...you are too important to me to let you get hurt by my own damn mind. I don't...I couldn't be responsible for that. I'm sorry. It...wasn't better just because I made you look away, was it. Shit.
The first, of course, is that when Dave removes his shades John stares into his eyes and in a way he is and isn't surprised. The color shocks him into silence but it suits him and he realizes that it definitely matches the text. He knows his own eyes match his text color of choice and he vaguely wonders if that's a pattern. However, that thought gets shoved away almost immediately in favor of listening to Dave.
He doesn't interrupt at all, thumb running over the back of Dave's hand to keep them both grounded and here and a reminder that this is real and not the dreamscape again. It's a lot to take in and he knows that he means a lot to Dave and that their friendship is important, but hearing it on this sort of gravity...it's a lot. It's a lot and he doesn't speak for a few moments even if his grip's tight.
Drunk John had sort of acted on his own volition before, but sober John is busy thinking the method might work just the same. He shifts a little, moving to lean against whatever available space and pulling Dave to him for a minute. He gets it. Dave doesn't ask for this kind of stuff even though he probably needs it, and the assurance that death isn't a thing helps.]
Okay. [It's very quiet but an acceptance of pretty much all of that. He still has them positioned so he can see Dave's eyes but also kind of holding onto him? It's sort of working, but he frowns lightly.] It's okay, I know. [Weirdly self-sacrificing.] ...it wasn't, no. But I get it. There was not really a whole lot of time to make a choice, was there.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rude
So what, the answer was for you to take the hit instead? That is bullshit and you know it.
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[ john isn't allowed to have the suicide missions.
dave reaches up suddenly, left hand steady, and barely touches john's cheek below his eye. ]
- Your eyes were blue again.
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oh. He doesn't move when Dave's hand comes up and he stares at him quietly, blinking slowly so he can see his very gray eyes instead.]
...it was just a dream. Things could have been different.
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...Not without risking you gettin' hurt. It's not like it hurts less in a dream, dude. At least, not that kind of dream.
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...what exactly are you talking about? I...that is sort of my point, Dave. It does not seem even close to being fair that you would have to get hurt, too.
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[ doesn't like to, but he can, and prefers it to letting anyone else take the fall ever. ]
Honestly. No big.
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[ his voice doesn't raise, but it's more emphatic. he's said enough before to make it clear that there are things waiting to be remembered that are worse than what john knows now, so. he's probably worried about that?
but even if john did remember, dave would have tried to take the fall alone.
he sits up after a second, dropping his hand from where it had been hovering. ]
...As far as dreams go, it was pretty mild. You just...could have gotten hurt.
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But I didn't. And you did. And that is still just as bad to me. Even if everything was just a dream and none of it was real I don't....[He takes a breath.] I want to fight next time. I'll get better. I didn't know I had a hammer?
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Hammerkind. Yeah. You're - you were really strong. [ and it's hard to say if a powered up john would have been allowed to try to fight bro-cal or not.
there's an intense negative reaction to the mere thought, because bro shouldn't be allowed near anyone dave loves in any way, shape, or form. ]
I - you aren't meant to die. Okay?
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[If John's not meant to die, Dave implies that he is and that's not a road he wants to travel yet. He knows this was just a dream but it says a lot of how Dave also thinks.] That's not happening. Not again. Okay? Please?
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[ it is what he meant. but he didn't mean to make john look like that. ]
...Even if you were the heir, I would have still done the same damn thing, dude. It's - historically speakin', it's the kind of thing I do. I told you if you wanted my life you could take it, but that was maybe a lie. Even if you didn't want it, you kind of get it?
[ john and rose and jade. ]
You're up against a decade or more of knowing you had to live, no matter what.
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[Home suddenly sounds even more fucked up.] Why me? Why do I specifically have to live in a dreamscape?
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yeah, he'd throw himself into danger for just about anyone. so.
what's the actual answer? dave's silent for a long moment before he admits it, quietly: ]
Because you're one of the three most important people in the world, okay?
[ and it's not true. not anymore. or it is, but - there are other people who matter, and he knows it. but it's hard to shake that feeling of those three people and them being the only ones who really mattered for so damn long, especially after a dream about his apartment, and bro, and lohac. ]
- I know that's not how it...that's not how it is. I know that. But I can't not do everything I can to keep you safe from...whatever.
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So let me ask you something. If you are busy taking care of the rest of us and making sure we live, who has your back?
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You all did. Do. [ the tense is worse, because he's never sure what to use, or how much he can assume of them. ] I...there are people who would do that, if I asked. Or if they thought I needed it.
[ he wants to say dirk but can't. rose would, but she remembers almost nothing and he's told her only a little. he hasn't told john everything, either. he told dirk, he told yuri, he's hit and miss admitted to certain smaller things, but it's hard to have someone's back when you don't know a single thing about what you need to have their back for.
his free hand reaches up to fiddle with his shades. ]
...There are people who have my back without knowin' it.
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It's clear here that he thinks Dave needs something though.]
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What do you mean?
[ it's. hard to imagine john needing to do anything other than...exist, and be john, so like??? ]
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[ not in the way john wants, probably, but dave's clearly thrown. ]
You're - why do you think you're important?
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I have absolutely no idea. Other than we're best friends and the whole game fucked us over, I have absolutely no idea.
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[ he pauses. ]
There’s something Dirk and I used to do.
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What was it?
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[ because he actually had to prove that sometimes. ]
When it was too important to risk anything but absolute belief.
[ john still has one of his hands. dave breathes out slowly and with his other stops fiddling with his shades and carefully pulls them off. when he was completely and totally honest and he'd talked about things with dirk that hurt, he'd taken off his shades. yuri had asked him to do the same, just the other month.
it's still a thing that makes him tense up, but he works through that, ignoring the usual intense discomfort from the lack of a barrier to look john dead in the eyes. his eyes are of course not hazel: they're the same vibrant red as his text down to the very hexidecimal code. one-handed he folds the shades up to hook over the collar of his shirt. ]
So. [ so. ] Shut up for a second and...don't interrupt me, okay? [ and he hesitates for a moment, casting around for the right words, before dave gives up and just says whatever comes to mind as usual, soft-voiced and emphatic. he keeps his gaze steady despite the unease. ] You aren't important because we're best friends, or because the game was fucked up, or even because of the life we lived back then. You are, but like - please don't think that you matter to me only because of back then, or that you're...less important, or - less. What I said about not bein' as strong as you were, I didn't - I didn't mean it like that, or I didn't mean you to take it that way. It's true that John Egbert has mattered to me for a pretty fuckin' long time that varies depending on which chronological sequence of events you care to look at, all overlapped in a fucked up way that makes sense to probably no one else in the world.
[ over half a year; since he was ten; since a month and change ago. ]
But you, the you who is here right now, are my best friend - are who I want as my best friend - because of who you are and what you have done. Regardless of whether or not you ever remember why that was true then as well as now, you're responsible for the now, and I don't...want you to misunderstand that. It's...true the reasons are pretty damn similar, because you're still the person who says somethin' other people do not and makes it...okay, and...
[ "you do not have to tell me what you remember. and i will not bring it up unless you want me to tell you what i remember. okay?" ]
Just being you has always constituted havin' my back in ways other people do not. Okay? You...said it was fine not to tell you things. And played the piano for me even though you were givin' it up. And made me a stupid mix tape and gave me and quite possibly twenty other people flowers. And you wanted to stay and fight with me when it was safer to not. And you agreed to write music for literally the most random project ever, and let me drag you wherever, and - [ he trails off, and shrugs. ] You don't have to do anythin' extra here, John. You already help by virtue of existing as yourself. And even if I got the count wrong when I said "one of the three most important people", you're important because you're...you. Now. So...
[ so...right... ]
...So I'm sorry for upsetting you, and for how I said it, and for - I'm sorry. I just...you are too important to me to let you get hurt by my own damn mind. I don't...I couldn't be responsible for that. I'm sorry. It...wasn't better just because I made you look away, was it. Shit.
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The first, of course, is that when Dave removes his shades John stares into his eyes and in a way he is and isn't surprised. The color shocks him into silence but it suits him and he realizes that it definitely matches the text. He knows his own eyes match his text color of choice and he vaguely wonders if that's a pattern. However, that thought gets shoved away almost immediately in favor of listening to Dave.
He doesn't interrupt at all, thumb running over the back of Dave's hand to keep them both grounded and here and a reminder that this is real and not the dreamscape again. It's a lot to take in and he knows that he means a lot to Dave and that their friendship is important, but hearing it on this sort of gravity...it's a lot. It's a lot and he doesn't speak for a few moments even if his grip's tight.
Drunk John had sort of acted on his own volition before, but sober John is busy thinking the method might work just the same. He shifts a little, moving to lean against whatever available space and pulling Dave to him for a minute. He gets it. Dave doesn't ask for this kind of stuff even though he probably needs it, and the assurance that death isn't a thing helps.]
Okay. [It's very quiet but an acceptance of pretty much all of that. He still has them positioned so he can see Dave's eyes but also kind of holding onto him? It's sort of working, but he frowns lightly.] It's okay, I know. [Weirdly self-sacrificing.] ...it wasn't, no. But I get it. There was not really a whole lot of time to make a choice, was there.
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