windeity | RECOLLÉ INBOX 2.0

[He finds himself very woefully out of his depth here and it's about the point John realizes that maybe he can't fix these things. Maybe he doesn't know what to do and it loops back to what he'd tried arguing before. Not a hero. Not a leader. Just some dumbass who doesn't know how to keep his friends together and he almost laughs as he thinks of the conversation with Terezi.

"I'll make sure none of this ever happens."

So he goes quiet. He can't argue and he knows he lets Dave get away with so much and he can't keep defending him. He also knows he can't exactly force Karkat and Ami to see things from his perspective but--]

There has to be a third option. [It's mumbled to himself mostly. There's definitely something else they can do besides two stupid, bullshit choices and he buries his head in his hands for a minute.] It doesn't make any sense why those are the only two choices.

Like what, John? [ quiet and tired and he shrugs. ] I can't...be whatever I am with you with them. I don't...

[ well, the obvious answer: he does not trust them or feel comfortable around them in the same way or to the same degree. if he did, he'd try. he'd tried a little more with rose, giving her hints or corrections in the same way he'd dealt with john. not a straight up summary, but...hand holding and course correcting. a way of tricking himself into sharing things he didn't really want to share. ]

All it is? All I am, here? Is information, on two legs. Okay? The third option is I just tell you everything and you deal with it. It's not like the option of "maybe Dave does whatever the fuck on his own" is on the table at all, here, so...so I'll be fine. Okay?

...no, not okay. I don't want you to. [There's more to the sentence but he stops to recorrect his line of thought.]

I'm not asking you to be whatever you are with me to them. I'm asking you to help me find another way. That third option isn't bad. I could handle that, I think, if you would let me. But you're right, you can't keep doing whatever on your own. Doesn't mean you have to do it exactly the old way either.

I'm sorry that you feel that way because I know that isn't true. To me and to Rose you are more than that, and I don't think the others see it that way either even if it kind of feels like it. I think they are both just a little frustrated that you know so much and they don't yet. I'm not saying we have another meeting.

[And then, Dave's favorite question:] do you trust me?

[ there's something in there that just makes him laugh, quiet and a little brittle. he still hasn't figured out how to do anything else at times like this.

but the answer is always the same: ]

Yes. [ more than that, he's never needed to trust john to be willing to give him whatever john asked for. ]

Okay. Then help me find a good balance. I do not mind being a go-between if I have to. I do not mind explaining the game mechanics to them. I already told Ami that it was bullshit to want personal information about us in particular so we do not have to worry about that. But I need you to try. That's it. I need you to try for me because the only way things are going to get better is if we try to make it work.

I think it is a little harder since you don't talk to them nearly as much as you talk to me and Rose, huh? [He thinks about what he knows of Karkat and Ami.] It's weirdly like telling a stranger about their fate when you have no business doing that. I know I'd think it was weird hearing stuff like that from people I barely know. [...] Actually, I think that is a lot of what happened with me and Karkat and he doesn't remember all of it yet.

If you want me to tell you everything, I will.

[ he'll stop what he's doing now, the almost comfortable slide of anecdotes and parceled out information he's been sometimes uneasy with but mostly okay with, finding it too easy to dole out that way. he'll just give john everything and maybe it'll make him sick to his stomach again and maybe he won't look him in the eye, but no one can tell when either of those things is true. dave's not sure what constitutes "trying" here, but figures forcing himself into the most helpful shape possible is probably good enough. ]

And you can do...whatever you think will make things better with that. I'd prefer...not to talk about anythin' personal from back then with you for now? [ not that it matters, since most of the game shit has a chance of triggering that, but he wants to keep something to himself even if he'll give that away too if pressed. john slipped up with his eyes earlier and dave doesn't really want to tell him more things that might fall out in conversation, too-easy and awkward. ] But we can do that too if you want. Whatever you want. And he did that to himself.

[...

...

...

He doesn't know how to answer. It's a question of if he's going to do things to help people or if he's going to be a little selfish. Then again, there's nothing guaranteeing Dave will tell him anything anyway after this no matter what he picks.

It's a complicated choice and the whole thing sort of feels a little too intense and crushing. So he doesn't speak for a minute before he shakes his head.]

Do I have to decide right now?

Edited 2017-11-10 06:45 (UTC)

[ dave just shakes his head. ]

I'll do whatever you want whenever you want it. [ he's been refusing to do exactly this since march or so. and he's made exactly this surrender once before. all dave has to do is hide his reactions better whenever john finally asks him to tell him everything, and he's already mentally tallying what that will require him to do. ]

[Okay but how dumb does Dave think John is...like yes, fair, John can be really stupid and oblivious, but...

"I asked for too much."
"What the hell did you ask for?"
"Embargo on memory sharing with other people. The reason I agreed to tell him everything was because of that agreement."
"Why did you offer to tell everyone everything before that?"
"Keeping things secret was hurting him."

He doesn't reply. He stares for a moment before he turns back to his computer, saving whatever file he had open and shutting it down for the night.]

We'll talk about it later? [It's stressful. The whole thing is incredibly stressful and he kind of regrets even starting this, but he can at least put a pause on it for now.]

[ WHAT IF JOHN JUST LETS! DAVE! STAB HIMSELF! ]

All right. [ dave sure as hell won't force the conversation, so he just. turns back to his laptop after staring at john for a second, tense and uncertain but not willing to show it. he has no idea what happens next, because while he's not sure he wants to slide into bed with john he's pretty sure not doing so would make things worse so he can just. stall. by never going to sleep until his nerves are settled tomorrow. ] Whenever you want.

[ it's a brilliant plan there are no holes at all ]

[One step forward, two steps back. He doesn't turn away from his computer even when the monitor goes black and he thinks of what Dave's saying. It's enough for a low, humorless laugh.

It's not about trust. He knows that. He understands that Dave trusts him and he gets what this is about. At the same time, he's pretty sure he's made everything worse and so he settles for staying in one spot.]

...stop. [Whatever he's doing, whatever he's thinking, what he's saying. John doesn't really make that part clear.] Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to let you make your own decision about what to do next. Not about everybody else and telling them, I already said we can talk about that later. But I already told you what it is I want. [For Dave to try in general.] So. When are you going to do the same? You can't just keep giving me whatever I want whenever I want, Dave, that's not how friendship works.

[ well that's an actual terrifying blow to the gut and for seventeen seconds dave just doesn't breathe at all. he freezes in place and there's that moment of absolute sheer terror at losing one of the others; it's not acceptable but it's always so heartbreakingly possible.

breathe. right.

what do you want springs to mind but john just said he doesn't want whatever he wants which means. what? dave should pick things at random to say no to? he should stand his ground and argue that he just doesn't want to be involved in any of this, even if it hurts everyone else? he should...

he should figure out what the fuck trying means if it doesn't mean keeping other people happy, because dave doesn't see the point in caring about the fallout in regards to himself at this point. that's a lost cause he is so fucking sick of fighting. ]

...Maybe it's not.

[ still the fuckup, kiddo. still the one who stares down at your brother's body and can't even work up a single solitary shred of sadness, feeling all the wrong things at all the wrong times. still can't measure up to anyone else. ]

I'll try to be better. [ he leaves out the apology for not being who john wants or needs because he already got yelled at once for that today and really, is this so bad? he just has to learn what obscure outcome nets a positive response here without a clue how to proceed. he spent thirteen years doing that in his past life. this should be child's play in comparison.

so...don't give john what he wants or you're not playing along. fine. right. ]

I don't want to talk to you about personal things from back then. [ he just picks the least offensive defensible position and decides to stick to that as some kind of proof he's trying...whatever he's supposed to be trying. but john said balance, right, so dave goes with a flat out lie in a softly earnest voice: ] But it's a good idea, just tellin' you about the game and letting you tell them. It'd work. I'm less against that than the other shit, so it's not a bad call to make, when you wanna. I could make that work easier, I wouldn't need to like, be there. That's the only part that's difficult. It's not like I wasn't tellin' you this shit already, so...it's just that I don't...get along with certain people right now. It'd have gone fine otherwise. It was stupid.

[ there is absolutely no part of himself he won't kill and nothing he won't lie about in order to avoid hearing the words that's not how friendship works from john egbert ever again. ]

[...the absolutely most horrifying part of that all is the fact that for seventeen seconds Dave doesn't breathe and John can tell. Dave probably won't understand why John's giving him a startled look and why there's panic written in his features because what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.

That's never happened before, and he briefly wonders what caused it, how many other times this has happened, how to make sure that isn't a thing that happens again and why this is so hard to fix. Maybe it's not about fixing and he hears everything Dave says and while those words would have worked and he absolutely would believe them, he's too startled and unnerved.

Still. Even still he believes him because sure, maybe Dave lies sometimes but would he lie about this?

Idly, he thinks if he had those timeline-hopping powers he knows he's capable of he could go back and make sure all of this went differently. He doesn't look over again and instead he bites on his lower lip while he nods.]

Okay. [Again, no specification what "okay" means.] You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. And we can talk about the game later. I think we all just need a chance to cool off and try again later. [Maybe.]

[ joke's on john dave's definitely done that before to prevent himself from freaking out visibly and he isn't aware he can get called out on it now. his expression is extremely calm and settled and he's tapped into the part of himself that had to make sure not to give bro an inch and every ounce of acting skill he has, which is

stupid

but he'd rather live his life unhappy and ill at ease than not be friends. the former he did anyway for thirteen (sixteen, twenty-one...) years. the latter is absolutely terrifying and if john decides friendship means dave has to do something different, whatever, they'll do that. the argument didn't really work when ami gave it but john is different. ]

Sure. I can try to do the meeting thing again if you think we should, or I can just give you a rundown later so you can go do that. [ he tries for a smile and it looks passably genuine and dave registers and ignores the fact that he misses yuri again because there's no one left to run away to when he wants to be anywhere other than where he is. he thinks about carmen's big house and wonders about the guy who gave it to her. there's some wise old guy in japan, maybe, who knows about things like spaces closing in to choke you to death, and dave kind of wants to talk to him. ] You should probably go to sleep. Class is still a thing.

[Dave's probably lucky that John's not going to call him out tonight. Instead, he stares at his hands versus the screen and he sees Dave's smile and as much as he appreciates the effort all he can think of is "why."

But Dave's trying which is exactly what John asked and the whole thing is his own mess because they're two people who don't know how the fuck to communicate. So, instead, he avoids all topics of home and meetings and focuses on what else Dave says.]

...I'm not gonna go. [Maybe it sounds like "to sleep" but no it's absolutely "to class."] But if you want to go to bed or turn off the lights that is also fine.

To sleep, or to class? [ - although he probably doesn't have a right to ask about either because it occurs to dave that john's been cagey about a lot of the shit he's been working on recently and maybe that's because dave isn't doing friendship right, too, and he wonders exactly how close he is to losing everything.

he backtracks. ] Never mind, not my business.

[ and he just. gives no indication of what he's doing next as he turns back to his computer and thinks for a second and logs in to the flower shop's website to find schedules. maybe he can apply for. even more shifts. god. ]

[...hahahahahahaha.

Hah.

God. He doesn't reply and instead he finally gets up, staring at his shoes like he's debating walking back out of the room before toeing them off and curling up on his own bed. He's not going to force Dave to join him, but he's not sure how to convey it's fine if he wants to without coercing Dave into a thing he doesn't want just because he thinks John wants it.

His life's stupid. Everything about this is stupid?

And the thing about it is if he thinks about it, it makes sense why he's been so adamant about defending Dave, why he's willing to bend over backwards and make things right, why he's so easily frustrated lately, why he's keeping things from him...it all makes sense and it's a reality he's still more than happy to shy away from. His eyes are half-open and he stares into space, unsure of what to really say.]

...Dave? [Maybe it's. Worth trying to explain? That wouldn't go poorly, maybe.]

[ look, working himself to distraction is a foolproof method of keeping busy, but even so dave just kind of glances back towards john when he speaks, uncertain what's up but assuming john either made his decision for sure or...

whatever?? ]

Yeah, John?

[Cool. Great. Now all he has to do is open his mouth and say it. "Dave, I have been acting completely crazy because..."

...nope.]

Do you still want me to come with you Saturday?

Did you...not want to, now?

[ lmao fuck. are they not doing saturdays now??? there's no indication of distress aside from a slight hitch of his breath, imperceptible at a glance. just mild neutral confusion. ]

[Jesus. Why can he pick that up too?]

No! [And he's quickly sitting up.] No, that's not what I meant. I just...wasn't sure? If that was still okay. Since it is a personal thing. I want to I don't--[AHHHHH.] Yes. I still want to but I want to make sure you are okay with it still. That's all.

[ he shrugs and doesn't really give his actual answer: he'd kind of wanted john to come along to start with, he just hadn't asked and hadn't indicated the truth one way or the other since he'd figured it was up to john. ]

It's not personal from back then. [ although probably he's admittedly going to be cagier while he's uncertain about how much john is or isn't going to keep things he says to himself, either by accident or on purpose. ] I wouldn't share anything he told me in confidence I didn't get an okay to, anyway, if he tells me anything.

[Why the fuck, Dave. But okay that's fair. He nods in reply because that's understandable and he'll just have to adjust his own line of thinking. That's fine. At least until he understands what he's doing.]

Makes sense. [There's a pause.] ...my head hurts, so if it still hurts in the morning I am skipping my morning classes. [To go back and answer Dave's initial question.]

[ okay there's. no way that isn't his fault. cool. but there's less guilt and more concern in his initial reaction: ]

Do you want me to get you an aspirin and some water?

[There's a protest already set to come out of his mouth but then he vaguely remembers Dave's response the last time John did this for himself when he was drunk. So...there's a minute nod. It's only partially Dave's fault, but he's not going to say anything about that either.]

Yeah, if you don't mind...? [How Does Dave Strider Work: a novel by John Egbert.]

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