windeity | RECOLLÉ INBOX 2.0

Stop. Look, I never...[UGH!!!!!!] You don't have to tell me if you really don't want to. You know how this works. But I just...she felt really bad about whatever it was, I have no idea what's happening, and I just want to try and fix things for everybody. Including you. Okay? But you have to try and work with me here. Even a little.

[Because he's frustrated with everything that happened and knowing what he knows and some stuff he's definitely not touching.] Don't try to distract me with game mechanics right now either. Just..okay. You told me exactly why you don't want to tell people things about home. Have you mentioned it to them at all? That you don't want to be the one who happens to trigger something terrible. I think an explaination like that is reasonable.

Yes.

[ he did, actually, explain that part. ]

Not to Vantas, but we've had like, one neutral conversation total in our lives on this side of the scratch. But everyone else? Yes. And I told her the first time she asked me about this that I didn't want to be involved but I'd give her the names of everyone else if she wanted to look them up. So now it's time to move the fuck on, man the fuck up, and just give them the answers they want. Okay? It's not like it'll kill me when they remember dying from things I say. I've lived through worse.

Oh. [Well. Fuck, okay. Let's try something else.]

So hey. Am I supposed to just...pretend that it isn't going to bother you when that happens regardless? Is that the thing we are supposed to be doing here?

I...why does it even matter if it bugs me? It bugs other people more for me to not. Or bugs more of them. And like you pointed out, she's just a scared kid. That trumps everything else.

[ he sounds mostly tired, but whatever. ]

I'll live. And we don't even ever have to talk about it. It'll be like it's not happening.

Time out. [He leans back in his chair, appraising Dave for a second.]

It matters because technically we're not that much better equipped to really deal with this. We were shitty at dealing with it when we were thirteen and we're only doing slightly better at eighteen, I think.

The thing is that once it hits, the whole thing is going to kind of. Um. Snowball, I guess? More questions are going to come up and it's going to be endless even if you do give us all of your notes on everything. And I think you know that. And I think it's a different case because you and Ami are time players and you know exactly what it takes to handle that. And you're worried about her handling it. Yes? No? Tell me I'm wrong here.

As for Karkat I...do not think he's unreasonable for wanting to know either. [Hm.] Would this be different if they approached it the same way I did?

[He knows it would, but he's asking to be polite.] I can see where they're coming from because they seem to be dealing with something even more than we are. But I can see where you're coming from because...I spent most of that meeting worrying about making Rose remember stuff she wouldn't be ready for either.

[ "time out" gets him to pause, anyway, turning in his own chair to watch john, neutral. his voice hasn't risen even if he's gotten more firm, but. ]

...I don't know. I've spoken to them both in person less than five times apiece.

[ so he doesn't know if it would be different if they'd spoken more, or he knew them better, or if he would want to tell them things. there are times he isn't even comfortable telling john things, because he knows how things could snowball, and to where, and he hates it. ]

I do know that she wouldn't be able to handle time player shit right now. [ that's easy enough to confirm. it takes a certain mindset he's pretty sure she doesn't have. yet? ever? ] Neither of them would be able to handle troll shit.

Yes, that was pretty obvious. [Hey Dave, remember that conversation where John said there are things he'd fight about? Surprise.] That is the other reason I think this was probably not the greatest way we could have handled this and it was an oversight on my part, so, my bad. I get that we are all from the same place but also that we're not all caught up and explaining things won't always help.

They want to know basic game mechanics, but I still don't think they played the same game. They definitely didn't play the same session. I remember Karkat told me that. But I have no idea what actually happened in their session either.

And the thing is like...how do you tell someone "hey I know better than you do what you will and will not be able to handle"? You don't. So I get it, but also just giving them everything and saying you're going to walk away is not the answer either. Mostly because I know that would also make you uncomfortable.

[So...what do they do?]

I don't think it's fair that you remember more about their session than you should. I also do not think it's fair you remember more than Rose and I because it puts you in a shitty situation and leaves us sitting here with a bunch of holes. [Another breath.] The only thing I can think of is to maybe talk to Karkat and see what he thinks. He seems to know her better than we do, and I hope he would know how to handle things better and make a call if they are things he wants to know. The thing is that it's going to happen no matter what. And we were not on the same teams back there but I think it might not hurt to have each other's backs for when we do remember things instead of remembering and dealing on our own.

[And then, suddenly:] I wish you had had that. [Since it's pretty clear that it was a thing Dave didn't get from this.]

They want to know. It doesn't matter if I tell them it sucks. So sure. I'll tell them. Their session was before ours, they made us, whatever. Everything about their godawful society with the blood castes, and how many times they teamkilled one another 'till only a few were left when we got there. How we failed, again and again. And sure, I'll tell her exactly how many times she must have died, because that's what we do with our aspect. We die and we doom ourselves and we doom everyone else too, because they aren't the versions that're meant to live.

[ let them make the call and the call is easy: dave sucks it up and shares everything and pretends he's air, transparent and barely there. ]

I'll tell him the bullshit about him and me, too, should really make him thrilled.

[ it won't. he's still the wrong version of himself, and dave realizes he's never going to be the dave anyone actually wants, not entirely. maybe chiyo or anya or whoever will take him exactly as he is and they'll let his friendship be whatever he offers and it'll be fine. but he hadn't even been able to match up to what his brother wanted, again. ever. at all. ]

It's an answer because it's what they want. And I can do it. So the rest of it doesn't matter.

[ maybe half a year of stubbornly trying to not get to this exact point is enough? there's self-defense and then there's stupidity, and maybe there comes a point when you stop trying to keep yourself from feeling the things you don't want to feel and just accept the pain with a smile, or a grimace. ]

[He finds himself very woefully out of his depth here and it's about the point John realizes that maybe he can't fix these things. Maybe he doesn't know what to do and it loops back to what he'd tried arguing before. Not a hero. Not a leader. Just some dumbass who doesn't know how to keep his friends together and he almost laughs as he thinks of the conversation with Terezi.

"I'll make sure none of this ever happens."

So he goes quiet. He can't argue and he knows he lets Dave get away with so much and he can't keep defending him. He also knows he can't exactly force Karkat and Ami to see things from his perspective but--]

There has to be a third option. [It's mumbled to himself mostly. There's definitely something else they can do besides two stupid, bullshit choices and he buries his head in his hands for a minute.] It doesn't make any sense why those are the only two choices.

Like what, John? [ quiet and tired and he shrugs. ] I can't...be whatever I am with you with them. I don't...

[ well, the obvious answer: he does not trust them or feel comfortable around them in the same way or to the same degree. if he did, he'd try. he'd tried a little more with rose, giving her hints or corrections in the same way he'd dealt with john. not a straight up summary, but...hand holding and course correcting. a way of tricking himself into sharing things he didn't really want to share. ]

All it is? All I am, here? Is information, on two legs. Okay? The third option is I just tell you everything and you deal with it. It's not like the option of "maybe Dave does whatever the fuck on his own" is on the table at all, here, so...so I'll be fine. Okay?

...no, not okay. I don't want you to. [There's more to the sentence but he stops to recorrect his line of thought.]

I'm not asking you to be whatever you are with me to them. I'm asking you to help me find another way. That third option isn't bad. I could handle that, I think, if you would let me. But you're right, you can't keep doing whatever on your own. Doesn't mean you have to do it exactly the old way either.

I'm sorry that you feel that way because I know that isn't true. To me and to Rose you are more than that, and I don't think the others see it that way either even if it kind of feels like it. I think they are both just a little frustrated that you know so much and they don't yet. I'm not saying we have another meeting.

[And then, Dave's favorite question:] do you trust me?

[ there's something in there that just makes him laugh, quiet and a little brittle. he still hasn't figured out how to do anything else at times like this.

but the answer is always the same: ]

Yes. [ more than that, he's never needed to trust john to be willing to give him whatever john asked for. ]

Okay. Then help me find a good balance. I do not mind being a go-between if I have to. I do not mind explaining the game mechanics to them. I already told Ami that it was bullshit to want personal information about us in particular so we do not have to worry about that. But I need you to try. That's it. I need you to try for me because the only way things are going to get better is if we try to make it work.

I think it is a little harder since you don't talk to them nearly as much as you talk to me and Rose, huh? [He thinks about what he knows of Karkat and Ami.] It's weirdly like telling a stranger about their fate when you have no business doing that. I know I'd think it was weird hearing stuff like that from people I barely know. [...] Actually, I think that is a lot of what happened with me and Karkat and he doesn't remember all of it yet.

If you want me to tell you everything, I will.

[ he'll stop what he's doing now, the almost comfortable slide of anecdotes and parceled out information he's been sometimes uneasy with but mostly okay with, finding it too easy to dole out that way. he'll just give john everything and maybe it'll make him sick to his stomach again and maybe he won't look him in the eye, but no one can tell when either of those things is true. dave's not sure what constitutes "trying" here, but figures forcing himself into the most helpful shape possible is probably good enough. ]

And you can do...whatever you think will make things better with that. I'd prefer...not to talk about anythin' personal from back then with you for now? [ not that it matters, since most of the game shit has a chance of triggering that, but he wants to keep something to himself even if he'll give that away too if pressed. john slipped up with his eyes earlier and dave doesn't really want to tell him more things that might fall out in conversation, too-easy and awkward. ] But we can do that too if you want. Whatever you want. And he did that to himself.

[...

...

...

He doesn't know how to answer. It's a question of if he's going to do things to help people or if he's going to be a little selfish. Then again, there's nothing guaranteeing Dave will tell him anything anyway after this no matter what he picks.

It's a complicated choice and the whole thing sort of feels a little too intense and crushing. So he doesn't speak for a minute before he shakes his head.]

Do I have to decide right now?

Edited 2017-11-10 06:45 (UTC)

[ dave just shakes his head. ]

I'll do whatever you want whenever you want it. [ he's been refusing to do exactly this since march or so. and he's made exactly this surrender once before. all dave has to do is hide his reactions better whenever john finally asks him to tell him everything, and he's already mentally tallying what that will require him to do. ]

[Okay but how dumb does Dave think John is...like yes, fair, John can be really stupid and oblivious, but...

"I asked for too much."
"What the hell did you ask for?"
"Embargo on memory sharing with other people. The reason I agreed to tell him everything was because of that agreement."
"Why did you offer to tell everyone everything before that?"
"Keeping things secret was hurting him."

He doesn't reply. He stares for a moment before he turns back to his computer, saving whatever file he had open and shutting it down for the night.]

We'll talk about it later? [It's stressful. The whole thing is incredibly stressful and he kind of regrets even starting this, but he can at least put a pause on it for now.]

[ WHAT IF JOHN JUST LETS! DAVE! STAB HIMSELF! ]

All right. [ dave sure as hell won't force the conversation, so he just. turns back to his laptop after staring at john for a second, tense and uncertain but not willing to show it. he has no idea what happens next, because while he's not sure he wants to slide into bed with john he's pretty sure not doing so would make things worse so he can just. stall. by never going to sleep until his nerves are settled tomorrow. ] Whenever you want.

[ it's a brilliant plan there are no holes at all ]

[One step forward, two steps back. He doesn't turn away from his computer even when the monitor goes black and he thinks of what Dave's saying. It's enough for a low, humorless laugh.

It's not about trust. He knows that. He understands that Dave trusts him and he gets what this is about. At the same time, he's pretty sure he's made everything worse and so he settles for staying in one spot.]

...stop. [Whatever he's doing, whatever he's thinking, what he's saying. John doesn't really make that part clear.] Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to let you make your own decision about what to do next. Not about everybody else and telling them, I already said we can talk about that later. But I already told you what it is I want. [For Dave to try in general.] So. When are you going to do the same? You can't just keep giving me whatever I want whenever I want, Dave, that's not how friendship works.

[ well that's an actual terrifying blow to the gut and for seventeen seconds dave just doesn't breathe at all. he freezes in place and there's that moment of absolute sheer terror at losing one of the others; it's not acceptable but it's always so heartbreakingly possible.

breathe. right.

what do you want springs to mind but john just said he doesn't want whatever he wants which means. what? dave should pick things at random to say no to? he should stand his ground and argue that he just doesn't want to be involved in any of this, even if it hurts everyone else? he should...

he should figure out what the fuck trying means if it doesn't mean keeping other people happy, because dave doesn't see the point in caring about the fallout in regards to himself at this point. that's a lost cause he is so fucking sick of fighting. ]

...Maybe it's not.

[ still the fuckup, kiddo. still the one who stares down at your brother's body and can't even work up a single solitary shred of sadness, feeling all the wrong things at all the wrong times. still can't measure up to anyone else. ]

I'll try to be better. [ he leaves out the apology for not being who john wants or needs because he already got yelled at once for that today and really, is this so bad? he just has to learn what obscure outcome nets a positive response here without a clue how to proceed. he spent thirteen years doing that in his past life. this should be child's play in comparison.

so...don't give john what he wants or you're not playing along. fine. right. ]

I don't want to talk to you about personal things from back then. [ he just picks the least offensive defensible position and decides to stick to that as some kind of proof he's trying...whatever he's supposed to be trying. but john said balance, right, so dave goes with a flat out lie in a softly earnest voice: ] But it's a good idea, just tellin' you about the game and letting you tell them. It'd work. I'm less against that than the other shit, so it's not a bad call to make, when you wanna. I could make that work easier, I wouldn't need to like, be there. That's the only part that's difficult. It's not like I wasn't tellin' you this shit already, so...it's just that I don't...get along with certain people right now. It'd have gone fine otherwise. It was stupid.

[ there is absolutely no part of himself he won't kill and nothing he won't lie about in order to avoid hearing the words that's not how friendship works from john egbert ever again. ]

[...the absolutely most horrifying part of that all is the fact that for seventeen seconds Dave doesn't breathe and John can tell. Dave probably won't understand why John's giving him a startled look and why there's panic written in his features because what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.

That's never happened before, and he briefly wonders what caused it, how many other times this has happened, how to make sure that isn't a thing that happens again and why this is so hard to fix. Maybe it's not about fixing and he hears everything Dave says and while those words would have worked and he absolutely would believe them, he's too startled and unnerved.

Still. Even still he believes him because sure, maybe Dave lies sometimes but would he lie about this?

Idly, he thinks if he had those timeline-hopping powers he knows he's capable of he could go back and make sure all of this went differently. He doesn't look over again and instead he bites on his lower lip while he nods.]

Okay. [Again, no specification what "okay" means.] You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. And we can talk about the game later. I think we all just need a chance to cool off and try again later. [Maybe.]

[ joke's on john dave's definitely done that before to prevent himself from freaking out visibly and he isn't aware he can get called out on it now. his expression is extremely calm and settled and he's tapped into the part of himself that had to make sure not to give bro an inch and every ounce of acting skill he has, which is

stupid

but he'd rather live his life unhappy and ill at ease than not be friends. the former he did anyway for thirteen (sixteen, twenty-one...) years. the latter is absolutely terrifying and if john decides friendship means dave has to do something different, whatever, they'll do that. the argument didn't really work when ami gave it but john is different. ]

Sure. I can try to do the meeting thing again if you think we should, or I can just give you a rundown later so you can go do that. [ he tries for a smile and it looks passably genuine and dave registers and ignores the fact that he misses yuri again because there's no one left to run away to when he wants to be anywhere other than where he is. he thinks about carmen's big house and wonders about the guy who gave it to her. there's some wise old guy in japan, maybe, who knows about things like spaces closing in to choke you to death, and dave kind of wants to talk to him. ] You should probably go to sleep. Class is still a thing.

[Dave's probably lucky that John's not going to call him out tonight. Instead, he stares at his hands versus the screen and he sees Dave's smile and as much as he appreciates the effort all he can think of is "why."

But Dave's trying which is exactly what John asked and the whole thing is his own mess because they're two people who don't know how the fuck to communicate. So, instead, he avoids all topics of home and meetings and focuses on what else Dave says.]

...I'm not gonna go. [Maybe it sounds like "to sleep" but no it's absolutely "to class."] But if you want to go to bed or turn off the lights that is also fine.

To sleep, or to class? [ - although he probably doesn't have a right to ask about either because it occurs to dave that john's been cagey about a lot of the shit he's been working on recently and maybe that's because dave isn't doing friendship right, too, and he wonders exactly how close he is to losing everything.

he backtracks. ] Never mind, not my business.

[ and he just. gives no indication of what he's doing next as he turns back to his computer and thinks for a second and logs in to the flower shop's website to find schedules. maybe he can apply for. even more shifts. god. ]

[...hahahahahahaha.

Hah.

God. He doesn't reply and instead he finally gets up, staring at his shoes like he's debating walking back out of the room before toeing them off and curling up on his own bed. He's not going to force Dave to join him, but he's not sure how to convey it's fine if he wants to without coercing Dave into a thing he doesn't want just because he thinks John wants it.

His life's stupid. Everything about this is stupid?

And the thing about it is if he thinks about it, it makes sense why he's been so adamant about defending Dave, why he's willing to bend over backwards and make things right, why he's so easily frustrated lately, why he's keeping things from him...it all makes sense and it's a reality he's still more than happy to shy away from. His eyes are half-open and he stares into space, unsure of what to really say.]

...Dave? [Maybe it's. Worth trying to explain? That wouldn't go poorly, maybe.]

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