windeity | RECOLLÉ INBOX 2.0

[ well. dave stops scrolling for a second before he continues? ]

Why? You haven't done anythin' wrong.

Uh huh. [He's not looking away from the screen.] Look it's fine, just...I'm sorry I made you go. That's it.

I'm...sorry I'm not the right Dave.

[ like the one who would have pulled that off gracefully and helpfully. ]

You didn't make me do jack shit. I agreed. Remember?

Shut up, Dave. [He sounds tired and he leans on his keyboard instead.] Shut up about...being the right Dave or whatever. I can read between the lines just fine.

Which lines? [ he's 100% not dropping believing he's the wrong dave when someone has actually said it to his face now but ]

You were uncomfortable the minute you and I walked into the restaurant, did you seriously think I wouldn't notice? I am just curious here.

I don't know. I didn't think any of you would really care as long as I told you things.

...so what, you thought I wouldn't care that it bothered the shit out of you as long as you cooperated?

Why should it? Everyone knows it's just...everyone agrees I'm bein' an idiot, and you know what, none of you are wrong. My "feelings" about it don't matter when they're wrong, I just need to acclimate. I'll write it all down for you, give you the stupid fuckin' walkthrough, and you can all discuss everything with all the facts. Cooperating without you havin' to see me be uncomfortable. Better?

No! You know what you're being an idiot about, actually? This! This is a stupid argument and I can't even believe that's...I told you that I was worried about this, jackass! Okay, it was a stupid idea and we'll figure it out later.

It's what everyone wants! Or everyone else, if you don't. Just - everything I know, right? That's what it takes. That's what I have to do, tell me I'm wrong.

I'm not going to dictate what everybody else should and shouldn't know or what everybody does and doesn't want! Maybe I was wrong in how we were supposed to approach this, alright? I thought it would help but not with the way things went! [It wasn't even that things were bad, it was just jarring how huge of a rift there was. Was it like this in their universe, too?]

[ actually yes but dave doesn't hear the mental question and so can't explain that the trolls were never a cohesive unit and only the betas really were, so, ]

They've told me that's what they want from me, so you don't even come into it!

Then why in the fuck did you agree to it this time?!

Because - [ well, yes, largely because of john, but - ] - because they keep asking and I'm sick of being the wrong version of me! And I'm never gonna be the guy who gets shit right but at least everyone else can settle down and be happy if I just suck it the fuck up! It's not rocket science, John, it's simple math. I'm one person, everyne else is more than one person.

[You know, normally he'd just keep yelling and depending he might just go back to that, but instead he's going to take a deep breath to try and calm the fuck down.]

What happened. [He swivels suddenly to face him. It's the fact that Dave's talking about being the wrong version and remembering Ami's surprise at seeing Dave at all and Karkat apparently knows what happened and he doesn't, why, but that gets him to focus.] Between you and Ami. Aradia. Whoever. What the fuck happened?

- Nothing. [ although it's easier to differentiate now between ami and aradia, and that's a weird side effect. ]

Nothing happened, John. And for the record, they definitely didn't have two teams. [ that's unrelated but doubt @ that ]

Stop. Look, I never...[UGH!!!!!!] You don't have to tell me if you really don't want to. You know how this works. But I just...she felt really bad about whatever it was, I have no idea what's happening, and I just want to try and fix things for everybody. Including you. Okay? But you have to try and work with me here. Even a little.

[Because he's frustrated with everything that happened and knowing what he knows and some stuff he's definitely not touching.] Don't try to distract me with game mechanics right now either. Just..okay. You told me exactly why you don't want to tell people things about home. Have you mentioned it to them at all? That you don't want to be the one who happens to trigger something terrible. I think an explaination like that is reasonable.

Yes.

[ he did, actually, explain that part. ]

Not to Vantas, but we've had like, one neutral conversation total in our lives on this side of the scratch. But everyone else? Yes. And I told her the first time she asked me about this that I didn't want to be involved but I'd give her the names of everyone else if she wanted to look them up. So now it's time to move the fuck on, man the fuck up, and just give them the answers they want. Okay? It's not like it'll kill me when they remember dying from things I say. I've lived through worse.

Oh. [Well. Fuck, okay. Let's try something else.]

So hey. Am I supposed to just...pretend that it isn't going to bother you when that happens regardless? Is that the thing we are supposed to be doing here?

I...why does it even matter if it bugs me? It bugs other people more for me to not. Or bugs more of them. And like you pointed out, she's just a scared kid. That trumps everything else.

[ he sounds mostly tired, but whatever. ]

I'll live. And we don't even ever have to talk about it. It'll be like it's not happening.

Time out. [He leans back in his chair, appraising Dave for a second.]

It matters because technically we're not that much better equipped to really deal with this. We were shitty at dealing with it when we were thirteen and we're only doing slightly better at eighteen, I think.

The thing is that once it hits, the whole thing is going to kind of. Um. Snowball, I guess? More questions are going to come up and it's going to be endless even if you do give us all of your notes on everything. And I think you know that. And I think it's a different case because you and Ami are time players and you know exactly what it takes to handle that. And you're worried about her handling it. Yes? No? Tell me I'm wrong here.

As for Karkat I...do not think he's unreasonable for wanting to know either. [Hm.] Would this be different if they approached it the same way I did?

[He knows it would, but he's asking to be polite.] I can see where they're coming from because they seem to be dealing with something even more than we are. But I can see where you're coming from because...I spent most of that meeting worrying about making Rose remember stuff she wouldn't be ready for either.

[ "time out" gets him to pause, anyway, turning in his own chair to watch john, neutral. his voice hasn't risen even if he's gotten more firm, but. ]

...I don't know. I've spoken to them both in person less than five times apiece.

[ so he doesn't know if it would be different if they'd spoken more, or he knew them better, or if he would want to tell them things. there are times he isn't even comfortable telling john things, because he knows how things could snowball, and to where, and he hates it. ]

I do know that she wouldn't be able to handle time player shit right now. [ that's easy enough to confirm. it takes a certain mindset he's pretty sure she doesn't have. yet? ever? ] Neither of them would be able to handle troll shit.

Yes, that was pretty obvious. [Hey Dave, remember that conversation where John said there are things he'd fight about? Surprise.] That is the other reason I think this was probably not the greatest way we could have handled this and it was an oversight on my part, so, my bad. I get that we are all from the same place but also that we're not all caught up and explaining things won't always help.

They want to know basic game mechanics, but I still don't think they played the same game. They definitely didn't play the same session. I remember Karkat told me that. But I have no idea what actually happened in their session either.

And the thing is like...how do you tell someone "hey I know better than you do what you will and will not be able to handle"? You don't. So I get it, but also just giving them everything and saying you're going to walk away is not the answer either. Mostly because I know that would also make you uncomfortable.

[So...what do they do?]

I don't think it's fair that you remember more about their session than you should. I also do not think it's fair you remember more than Rose and I because it puts you in a shitty situation and leaves us sitting here with a bunch of holes. [Another breath.] The only thing I can think of is to maybe talk to Karkat and see what he thinks. He seems to know her better than we do, and I hope he would know how to handle things better and make a call if they are things he wants to know. The thing is that it's going to happen no matter what. And we were not on the same teams back there but I think it might not hurt to have each other's backs for when we do remember things instead of remembering and dealing on our own.

[And then, suddenly:] I wish you had had that. [Since it's pretty clear that it was a thing Dave didn't get from this.]

They want to know. It doesn't matter if I tell them it sucks. So sure. I'll tell them. Their session was before ours, they made us, whatever. Everything about their godawful society with the blood castes, and how many times they teamkilled one another 'till only a few were left when we got there. How we failed, again and again. And sure, I'll tell her exactly how many times she must have died, because that's what we do with our aspect. We die and we doom ourselves and we doom everyone else too, because they aren't the versions that're meant to live.

[ let them make the call and the call is easy: dave sucks it up and shares everything and pretends he's air, transparent and barely there. ]

I'll tell him the bullshit about him and me, too, should really make him thrilled.

[ it won't. he's still the wrong version of himself, and dave realizes he's never going to be the dave anyone actually wants, not entirely. maybe chiyo or anya or whoever will take him exactly as he is and they'll let his friendship be whatever he offers and it'll be fine. but he hadn't even been able to match up to what his brother wanted, again. ever. at all. ]

It's an answer because it's what they want. And I can do it. So the rest of it doesn't matter.

[ maybe half a year of stubbornly trying to not get to this exact point is enough? there's self-defense and then there's stupidity, and maybe there comes a point when you stop trying to keep yourself from feeling the things you don't want to feel and just accept the pain with a smile, or a grimace. ]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject