RECOLLÉ INBOX 2.0

[windeity]

JOHN EGBERT

"We came, we saw, we kicked its ass."

VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION

aka




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also casually puts his font here for tagging not on my laptop whoops
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normal font too!

art by doomyz on tumblr, found via reblog here

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Groupchat with Dave/El/Yuki found here!

Comments

[windeity]

yes.
do you remember if you ever met your denizen?

[What the fuck kind of question is that.]

[parodeity]

hephaestus
no not really
versions of me did
and i got the bullshit i needed from him via that
effectively locking myself out of going to see him
which was in fact necessary to my "quest"
which was the evolution of a shitty fucking sword into basically the same fucking sword i started with

but why do you ask

[windeity]

[Normally he'd say "never mind" but this is actually kind of important to his point, so.]

i remember meeting typheus.
did i tell you that before?
i remember my personal quest now and everything.

[parodeity]

you didnt tell me that no

[windeity]

ok.
well. that part is not really that important.
but the point is that you remember our denizens give us choices right?
and when a denizen gives us a set of choices to make, it kind of feels like a bullshit course of action.
because it feels like we are locked into a set answer.
my quest was to free the stars from the shade and into the heavens.
the fireflies. i had to blow away the smog on lowas to free the fireflies.
and when i went to see typheus i accepted his terms.
and i think he decided to try and kill me instead?
unsure. but maybe he knew i had a bigger agenda.
the point is that i had two choices then. either drown in the oil typheus sent to the core of his palace, or figure out how to zap the fuck out of there and completely fail my quest.
which choice do you think i made?

[parodeity]

get rid of the oil

[windeity]

which was...?

["Not an obvious option. An option created."]

[parodeity]

unless you have a plan beyond "make a new plan"
i think we need to go at this a different way
you dont have all the facts and i cant give them to you
and im not going to hold out for a hero here
so
can we talk about the actual facts we can discuss
and concrete plans
instead

[windeity]

[Hm.]

yeah.
that's fine.
have you been thinking about it too?

[parodeity]

yeah
and i have a place i can run away to
whenever it blows up
so its ok now
if i have to hit abscond on you for a day or a month or a year or whatever
so

we can move on to what were going to do
since i have my contingency now

the issue at hand is what i tell all of you right
or has it warped into other things as well that we need to settle

[windeity]

oh.
ok.
that's good. i am glad to hear that.

i don't know.
the first thing.
they seemed to be doing fine putting stuff together on their own, too.
we talked after you left.

[parodeity]

i figured you would
but what are you saying

[windeity]

i think i have been doing a lot of talking and not enough listening.
and you have given this some thought.
found safety nets and escape routes.
so i think i would like to hear what else you have to say first.
is that ok?

[parodeity]

[ ... ]

sure
i didnt plan out this conversation that great
primarily because i hate having conversations like this
but something that occurred to me was
im not sure you get why my stance on all of this is the way it is
even though ive tried to convey it to you
so
why do you think my stance is what it is
other people have said things that indicate they didnt get it
and i want to be sure
you actually do

[windeity]

[There's another pause because the skeptic, the defeatist in him says that he obviously doesn't get it if Dave's even asking in the first place. But he doesn't say that. Instead, he's silent for a few minutes.]

because you do not want us remembering certain things.
whatever those things may be.
and by telling us what you know about home and ourselves, there is a chance we will also remember other stuff.
i remember things about you.
you remember things about me.
i remember some things about the trolls.
there is no sense of ownership in these memories anymore because they all overlap and it is a giant clusterfuck of a domino effect.

[parodeity]

yes
but do you know why

[windeity]

why which, dave?
why don't we get any agency in all of this?
or why you do not want us remembering things?

[parodeity]

lets go with both

[windeity]

1.) because paradox space is fucking stupid.
2.) you're keeping things from us.

which is ok btw.
i get it. everyone has secrets.

[parodeity]

more or less
but the thing is

i want

to be able to tell you some things
in my own time
if i do

and i want to be able to make that choice

and not have it forced on me or taken from me
and i realize thats stupid
when anyone could remember anything at any time
and probably will

but i think
i want to believe that maybe
its a choice that i could make
maybe millenia from now i dont know
instead of having it made
and never having the option to make it on my own

because there are certain choices
that back then
were taken from me
and closure i was not able to get
because things were decided and i couldnt do anything about them
because it was fate
or something like it

so
its not just about wanting to protect you
it is also
about wanting to protect me
and i know thats selfish
and i know the universe generally doesnt want me to do that
and im not even sure i will ever hit a point where i can do that
where i can do things right and make the choice

but there are things i would like the option to tell you
and when i talked to malik i thought
that maybe
i would like to believe in the idea of a world where someday
however long away from now
i could make that choice not in fear and not in panic and not to make anyone else happy
or to assuage anyone elses fears

but just because i wanted to
and i was ready to do so
and for me

and its true that my agency to choose may be taken away by everyone remembering on their own
independent of me
but i at least kind of would appreciate not being party to it

and im not sure if i said that clearly to you as of yet
so im trying to say it clearly to you right now
because i think maybe you need to understand
why im making your life a living hell
which is not my intent
but i realize its a thing im doing anyway

its true its also because i really hated how things went down with other people
who i did tell things to
or who i did trigger shit in
because i was party to a lot of trauma and none of us dealt with it gracefully
and its true i dont want to make this or any of my other relationships into anything resembling those

but

you asked me what i wanted
a lot of times

and there isnt really a simple answer to that
but this is the naive bullshit i was talking about earlier
where what i want
is kind of a universe where id actually be able to do all of the stuff i just said
and it is kind of
i think
what i was slowly trying to do on my own
but ive been picking up the pieces
from certain other things
and its not a thing i can do really fast
so
its kind of naive bullshit

yeah

[windeity]

[After some time...]

understood.
who cares if it's naive bullshit.
i think you are allowed to be a little selfish in the end since we all are for different reasons.
it would not hurt you to be a little less self-sacrificial.
you might be a time player but what does that really mean if you do not take time in your own hands here?
we're not the same people we were, dave, even though at the same time we are.
but we are not complete duplicates and we are not stuck playing by those rules all the time.

so i think the response is "ok."
i know you told me you do not really want to talk about other life stuff with me for a while and that is still ok.
i think now everyone will know that it is possible to learn things without badgering you for information.
and so things will get a little easier with time.
do you believe me?

[parodeity]

id like to

about not talking to you about that stuff
its not that i dont trust you
but you kind of let certain things slip at that meeting
and youre not exactly the most subtle guy in the universe
so
id prefer not to talk about anything i dont want other people catching wind of
so that its not an issue
?
not that its usually a state secret
or it didnt used to be
but yeah

[windeity]

i know.
i'm sorry.
you know it wasn't on purpose?
i am really sorry.

[parodeity]

no i know
youre not the kind of person whod pull that on purpose
just
you shouldnt have to juggle my bullshit secrets
im cagey theres no reason to force you to be cagey on my behalf

[windeity]

it wouldn't be forcing.
it's your shit.
you have yours, i have mine.
and it was bullshit for me to let it slip even if it was an accident.
i told this girl about our classpects the other day.
but i did not tell her what your aspect or rose's was.